Kindness

I know, I know. I'm all self-knowledge and self-helpy over here lately. We'll talk about that another time.

But I'm fascinated by some of this and this is my latest thing:

I've been working hard on not beating up on myself right?

I've gotten really good at the "you're too fat" or "too old"  or "too whatever." I've gotten good at the physical stuff, I still think all those things, but not as often and I'm really, really fast to quiet it once I do think them.

Where I'm really stuck, are the "I should be another way" beating myself up. Like...more about action.

I worry I'm not making enough money, that my business "needs" something, that my marriage "needs" something, that John and I are "supposed" to be doing something more than we're doing. That somehow, I'm not enough.

It's weird, because it's kind of subtle isn't it? I don't call myself an asshole anymore (do you do that? So harsh, so weird) but I am constantly putting myself down in this weird, more passive way.

This doesn't really connect, but I just thought of it and it kind of connects:

I was running through Little Vietnam the other day, I like to run there because it smells like Thailand. Especially on warm mornings.

Anyway, I'm running, time of my life, beautiful day and this little, older Asian guy sees me and he kind of looks too long you know, and I see from my periph that he's kind of making fun of me, so I turn around and I see he's looking right at me, smiling and he's kind of pretending to run breathlessly.

And you know what I do?

I whip around and I give him the finger.

YUP.

That's what my brain decided to do. I'm not sure what happened. My first instinct was that he was making fun of me, or being...I don't know what I thought. And as I was turning around to check and flip him off, I could tell he was smiling and it was just too late. My fingers flew up and that was that.

I couldn't believe it. If that's not beating up on my own self too you know?

I realized right away how weird and hurtful that was to both of us and I should have gone back and given him a hug. I was just too shocked by myself and my IMMEDIATE reaction.

So it's little things like that I want to break. These things that happen that hurt. You know they do. And this is what karma is. I may not have realized what I did to that guy and I may have gone on my merry way never even consciously thinking about it, but it hurt my brain and my heart whether I was aware of it or not right? And I'll carry that around with me all day.

Anyway.

The last Office tonight! I'm gonna cry.

Jay Gatsby

My friend Alcott and I go to the movies almost every week. We meet every Wednesday and we go to the Golden Nugget and get turkey club sandwiches and then usually, we'll go to the movies.

We've been seeing the previews for Gatsby for FOREVER. It's really been a long time, so, we're headed there tomorrow.

I haven't read Gatsby in a really long time. Maybe even schooldays, I remember little. Just images. So on Sunday Alcott and I each went and bought our bandwagon copy of Gatsby.

And it is something. I mean, I'm the first one to laugh when I realize how great a classic is, I mean, of course it is, that's why it's a classic. But mainlining Gatsby in the past 24 hours I'm just blown away. That F. Scott, he was really something.

Here's one of my favorite parts:

The only completely stationary object in the room was an enormous couch on which two young women were buoyed up as though upon an anchored balloon. They were both in white, and their dresses were rippling and fluttering as if they had just been blown back in after a short flight around the house. I must have stood for a few moments listening to the whip and snap of the curtains and the groan of a picture on the wall. Then there was a boom as Tom Buchanan shut the rear windows and the caught wind died out about the room, and the curtains and the rugs and the two young women ballooned slowly to the floor.

I mean, COME ON. Is that a beautiful passage OR WHAT? Oh my god I love it. The whole books is like this, one sentence like that after another. I'm so glad I took these couple of days to read it before the movie, totally worth it.

And then you, my lovely blog readers wonder, "Hey Margaret, we've been hearing all about your Buddha and such, but what about that BOOK? That novel you were going write?"

Yes indeed. What about the book.

 

Fear

My god.

Between the girls in the house, the lady they found in the rubble after SEVENTEEN DAYS in Bangladesh, the other 1,000 people that died there, Jody Arias, the lady who died at Wrigley choking on a hot dog, the bombings, those brothers...

Fuck me.

I just.

I don't even know you know?

Do I watch? Do I keep up with it all? Should I not watch the news?

I'm really not sure.

But I will tell you that I'm absolutely terrified. So scared. Of so many things.

The Buddha will tell me to walk towards it. To face it. Become familiar with it because I will always have fear. So I might as well get real friendly with it so I recognize it when it starts to affect my life and my actions.

One guys said it's like a telephone pole - when they first put up telephone poles, they would fall all the time and they were hurting people. One new guy said "If I see a falling telephone pole I'm running as far as I can!" and the old-timer says "The thing you want to do is get right up close to the telephone pole, put your hands on it, that's the safest place to be."

That makes sense when you think on it.

Anyway.

I'm also having trouble with the, "well if you're scared, you better enjoy it RIGHT NOW, ENJOY EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOU COULD DIE FROM A HOT DOG TOMORROW!"

It's still propagating the fear that one. Keep being scared, you should be, it could all be gone in a minute.  How am I supposed to enjoy anything? I'm terrified!

Anyway, I'll try walking toward it, loving it in fact, holding my fear in my arms and kissing it on the head.

But it's hard.

omgtheweather

Man, this weather just does it for us doesn't it? Changes everything. mmmmm....

So, I think I'm really getting old. It's kind of fun.

I'm working on "wrapping my arms around my life." I generally like to think I do that anyway, but I'm working on it on a deeper level. Really learning to like me and not be too hard on me when it's not necessary, not beating up on myself, for real - not like - beating up on myself for beating up on myself, I'm real good at that move.

Anyway, it's nice, but one thing that's happening is I'm becoming a goody-goody I think. John and I laughed at ourselves last night when we went out for a "treat run" for different flavors of sparkling water...

I eat a lot of sugar. A lot.  No one really believes me, but I can consume up to 600 calories after 9:00PM. It used to be a cute character trait but I think it's really bad for me and it's all about compulsion and I so don't want to be compulsive anymore and it makes it harder on my lil organs and I'm really trying to cheer them on - so...

I cut out A LOT of sugar. A lot. I'm adding and taking away things one at a time. So for my first sugar cut the rule was that I can have chocolate, but only chocolate. No cookies, no ice cream, etc. And then I picked good chocolate naturally, no corn syrup and hydrogenated bullshit, but...3 ingredient chocolate. And it's been really okay. I'm not sure I "feel" better, but it's one more thing I don't have to beat myself up over. It's one more thing I don't have to worry about (becoming diabetic has always been in the background while I mow down on a Milky Way), so already, it's one less thing my brain needs.

I'm an older person, I'm taking care of myself, exercising, going to bed early, eating (mostly) right...so lame. And it's kind of so freaking great.

Happy birthday

my lil mom,

I love you the most.

Today, a year ago, I asked my fading mother for some advice. I needed some knowledge, I pleaded with her to tell me something I needed to know.

She said "you already know it all."

Love you momma,

Margy

Putting on a show

One big Buddhist lesson is - the more opinions you have, the more you believe in "right" and "wrong" and how you are and who you are - the harder it's going to be for you. Because the more opinionated you are, the more angry you are going to become when those opinions are challenged.

The whole thing is about discovering who you are and why you believe the things you believe. Most of the time, they're just made up stories about ourselves that aren't true in anyway, but...we believe them anyway.

So I've been working at it. I've been meditating, about 20 minutes a day and mostly every day.

One thing I've really noticed by being aware of my thoughts, one really big thing I do that makes me laugh and also makes me horrified:

I put on little acts for members of the American public I don't even know.

Yeah.

I think we may all do this to some degree, if you trip you look back like something was really in the way, or try and make it look like you meant to do that.  Or if you find you're going the wrong way down a street, maybe you make a big blatant move to make it seem like you just forgot your keys or something....right?

I do this on a really grand scale. I'll act out all kinds of things for you, just because I happen to be sitting across from you on the bus. If I think I should be looking at you for whatever reason, I won't. If I don't think I should be looking at you, I'll go through all kinds of rigamarole to pretend I'm not.  I will change my actions so you don't think I'm racist/smart/stupid/pretty/ugly/too confident/not confident enough/obnoxious/cute/sexist/sexy

I spend a lot of time putting on my "out in public" acts. Hell,sometimes I'll do it when no one is even around.

This is all for people I don't know and will never see again.

Unreal right?

I think it's amazing. I think it's amazing I've been doing this forever and am/was aware of it, but not like I am now.

All the things I think, all the opinions I have are to be questioned. All actions, all thoughts, all feelings - because I think 90% of the time they're just not real.

Now, does anyone love Oklahoma! the musical? I need to know. 

WOW

A whole week?

What is this for even then? For me to come over here and tell you weird it is to try meditating?

Or to hear how awful things are?

What's even going on here anyMORE?

I have no idea.

I have so much to say and absolutely nothing to say to you all.

I could talk about Survivor and how it's a pretty good season and Cochran might just take the whole thing?

I could tell you that I think this meditation thing has me all antsy and I'm questioning every thought I ever had, especially the ones that limit me? (Like, "I'm not a good caretaker" or "I shun responsibility" or "I want more than everything I have for  no good reason I can come up with."

I could tell you that it's almost a year now since my mom died. This time last year we were right in the middle of it, of all of it and I can't believe it's been that long?

We could talk about how slow tours are and no one is coming on the Disaster Tour ever again ever.

We could talk about how I really am trying to feel better physically and have already cut way down on sugar and just kind of want to go running all the time.

We could discuss how old I am that I generally don't want to go out at night because I want to feel good for running and work the next day.

I could write about how my instinct more and more is to sell everything we have and run away?

But, that's all the same old stuff. Nothing new there.

Carry on, till next Sunday.