Monday Monday

She's still here, still with us, mumbling quietly...

This is so strange, even mom said that at one point this week - she looked right at me and said "this is so queer." I knew just what she meant (please don't PC my mom, she meant it in the right way...heh).

My brothers and I, we keep trying to plan it. Mom was given 2 weeks, that was 2 weeks ago...I think...it's hard to say. I'm trying to not cancel tours and cancel tours to make more time and try and leave the next few weeks open but then that closes things off and...

you can't plan your mother's death...words of wisdom from the Hixx.

And we're all starting to get tired and worn out and maybe a little snippy, may be.

But then the only thing I want to do when I wake up is go see mom, lay her hand on my head one more time, try and get her eyes to focus on me, try to tell her I love her one more time. Two more times, three more times.

And the trick now, as we all get more tired and mom slinks away a little more, is to come at this from a place of love, not exhaustion. To reach out to my brothers and know that they have their own relationship with mom I know nothing about and to love that too. To keep approaching my job as a small escape and oasis I can retreat to instead of something getting in my way. To remember that there are a million ways to do things and a million ways to feel and that I don't know everything about everything and to stop planning.

Stop planning.

I am a planner. This is difficult.

And to remember, as a good friend said to me the other day, this is so much bigger than me and my fears and sorrows, bigger than mom and her small mercies, these are the laws of the universe, and I have to give in and be powerless against it.

And at the same time be powerful for my family and for me and for my husband and dog.

It's kind of a tug.

Updates

Mom's still hangin' with us. A little quieter still, but I have never seen a woman hang on like mom is hanging on.

Every once in awhile she'll come to it and ask when we're going home, she'll say she wants to get better. It's just heartbreaking. Part of her knows nothing about what is happening to her.

I'm a little dark and tired today, so I'm not going to say much, but man this is hard.

Everyone enjoy their mommas.

Updates

Memorial Day Weekend - 2012

A weekend of goodness and sadness.

Tours went great. It feels so good to have tours back. That Second City tour is so excellent. It really might be my favorite of all of them. I've been giving it the longest, my bits are perfected and anyone who comes on that tour has kind of been pre-vetted, they're all really fun. Feel so good to be giving tours for 24 people, who are laughing and talking and having a great time. It is absolute confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Which is nice, because winter and just doing one tour all winter long, starts to make me think...is this right?

It is.

My Disaster! Tour is coming along BEAUTIFULLY. It's still not where I want it to be, but I see the possibilities of it. It's going to be awesome.

And the weekend was spent with mom. A little bit more gone each day. Quieter and quieter. She's in no pain. Everyone comes in to check on her. Everyone cares so much. All the nurses at the home are taking such good care of her.

Yesterday I went to see her and she was mumbling away, mumble mumble mumble. Talking about all kinds of stuff. Her eyes half-closed, I can't understand a word.

And then every once in awhile, much like a young, tiny baby, every once in awhile mom will open her eyes WIDE and she'll see me, she'll see me for one second and then go back.

She's peaceful. Her room is peaceful. She's quiet and warm.

We honestly could not wish for more than this.

Damocles is effed

The sword has fallen.

Hospice has been called.

My mom is dying.

Argh.

Her kidneys are still not doing what they're supposed to. She's been given a few weeks, who knows what that means.

My brother and I are headed there today to try and see if we can talk to her about this, see if she understands, prepare her for the hospice nurse who we'll meet today.

She'll stay where she is. She'll go into renal failure, which from what we've been told, is a PAINLESS death. The toxins that build up act as an anesthetic and she'll get sleepy and warm and happy and she'll go to sleep and die. I am incredibly relieved mom is in little pain.

My mom. She's so small. She's lying in that bed, her death days away.

We've been battling this so long, fighting for mom, wishing and hoping all kinds of things. And now that it's time, there is some relief, but it's mostly just total fucking sadness. I've wished for mom to drift away many times, but now that it's here, I don't want her to go anywhere. I want her to stay right here with me forever.

And of course, a week ago I had all the time in the world and now, well...it's BIG TOUR WEEKEND and the GROUPON comes out tomorrow and .... all I want to do is just go sit with mom.

So, we wait, the death watch begins, friends are being called if they want one last goodbye.

I'll miss her so much. A world without my mom is just surreal.

And pretty lonely. 

We Did It

I'm so pleased.

Sunday evening, after a long walk and a long bike ride, I sat down to watch a little of the NATO coverage. And just as I sat down, things started getting a little tense.

I watched as the protestors started moving forward, I watched as the cops stood straight still.

I watched as (mostly black guys) got bumrushed to the back of the cop pack. I watched as the protestors grew angrier.

I was terrified as some of the cops started whacking a few people, as people started falling down and getting crushed and John's napping on the couch and I start saying "Don't. Don't. Don't do it. Don't oh god please don't." I was swearing at Rahm, why did he have to do this? Why did his huge ego bring this here? How is this helping us??

And I'll admit it, I started crying. I was terrified. And I was terrified for Chicago. I was terrified for the city. Obviously, we still haven't lived down 1968. Never will.

And the cops were SO AMAZING. Watching some pull out the clubs and the others stopping them. That force of blue moving closer and closer, flanking the protestors, just a fucking wall of choppers, so strong in that quiet strength. The police chief standing in the middle of it, not waiting at some desk.  And I took back what I said about Rahm.

I thought it was awesome. And usually I'm not so in love with police, but hell, they were badass.

I'm just happy to have my city back. Happy that some of the world saw it's beauty. Happy that they're gone and just so pleased there was nothing to stain the beauty of this awesome fucking city.

Nice work Chicago. Nice work.

Here's hoping

NATO is here. Finally and once and for all.

I think it's going to breeze right through and we're all going to wonder why we were so freaking nervous.

I hope that's the way it is.

On the plus side, it means I get the weekend off and hopefully John has the weekend off. Hee.

Things are good, slow, calm before the storm?

My Groupon was supposed to happen this week. Didn't. They didn't even call me to tell me that. Grrrr. Not doing it again. I have got to find a way to market to people without putting my business and reputation in the hands of someone else.

Working on it. Taking responsibility.

I am seriously going through some stuff over here. I started getting heart palpitations about a month ago and then not long after that I started getting night sweats.

You know what it says when you google those two things? FOR EIGHT PAGES?

menopause.

Argh.

I'm cool with it, I am, I mean, this is just the beginning, the actual deed might not be done for 5 years or so, but unless I'm going through chemo, there is no other explanation. I'm not vomiting or nauseous or sick, I'm going through peri-menopause.

GUH. So between Al, mom, work, peri-menopause and other things I'm working on, I'm afraid I haven't been that much fun to be around lately. I'm a little angry, a little scared, totally antsy and ...

Anyway, my gray hair was getting ridiculous so I turned to a hairdresser friend to help. I didn't want to color it again, but there are a few TV appearances in my future and I didn't want to look like a crazy lady, so she streaked it all blonde.

That makes me feel better.

I'm telling you, when I come out of all this on the other side, I'm going to be SO awesome. I swear I will.

Later.

The Fancy Life

It's 11:21 and I'm sitting in the Rock and Roll McDonalds downtown. It's weird and fun and I'm tired. What am I doing here?

I have a WGN Radio spot, gotta be there at 12:15AM.

I just went and saw the Marigold Hotel movie, it's really cute. And it is Jaipur, it IS Jaipur. I have walked down the streets in that movie. It was neat.

What am I talking about?

I realize 11:21 is not that late, but I still can't figure out what I'm doing at the Rock and Roll McDonalds.

The further I move away from the 9-5 life, the more I cannot believe I ever lived it. Once we get John out of the trap, I mean...whatever...I hope my life becomes even more weird like this.

Survivor ended the way Survivor had to end. I'm happy enough with it all I suppose. But blah, it was just a dead season. And that happens.

BUT NEXT SEASON?? Really? 3 people who had to be airlifted? Come on that is awesome. I can't wait.

I love you Survivor.