Friday, January 20, 2017

You Never Have To Do That Again

You never have to do that again is the wisdom and beauty of getting older.

And I think about mom and my dog and my stepfather and...

I'm so glad I never have to do that again.

I never have to do that again. I never have to take care of my sick mother, or watch my father retreat into nothingness. I never have to cry or weep at the pain my mom is in or the shittiness of where she is. I'll never have to take two trains and a bus to get to her. Granted, I'll never hear her voice or feel her hug - but I never have to witness the death of my mother again.

Or my dog.

I'll never have to worry about putting Remo to sleep or how I'm going to handle that. I'll never have to worry if he's okay or in pain. I'll never have to call a vet at 9:30 at night to put him to sleep. I'll never have to go through those first few really hard weeks of grief. I'll never have to come home that first night without him.

I'll never have to start Chicago Elevated again, or go through Polar Vortex winter (darn, because this lame winter sucks, seriously, no snow?? NONE???). I'll never have to witness an inauguration like this again and I'll never have to have my jaw broken when I'm sixteen again.

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING AGAIN (praise Jeebus) this one is HUGE. I never have to do it again.

I know getting older is about losing things. I know this, people, friends, buildings, parents, dogs...essentially everything. That is the lesson of growing older truly, is that you will lose everything.

But only the one time.

And in that, I find great solace. 

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