Monday, November 26, 2012

Post-Thanksgiving

When I'm not 9-5 working, the first Monday after Thanksgiving is kind of awesome. I exercise again, do a tour, do some work, stop sitting on the couch. I love it. Feels good.

Our Thanksgiving was really nice, we went to Wisco, we ate a lot of turkey, played with a lot of children and the dog, went walking out in the woods in our blaze orange and I ate I think maybe 5 desserts. I missed my own family and thought about mom's home and all the people there, but it didn't last long. We keep moving.

And now I'm back, sitting in my warm apartment with my dog, wondering when in the shit we're going to put up Christmas stuff, but it doesn't have to be tonight.

Now, this is not to anyone specific (HI MELISA!), but I have been told, more than say...5 times in the past month that I worry too much.

Honestly, previously to this, I'm not sure I've ever been told that.  I mean, maybe here and there, but this has come from quite a range of people. Some I know really well, some less well, but it's the same thing.

Worry.

Doesn't everyone worry? And if you don't worry, how do you get anything done?

I'm starting to really think on this, because well, if enough people say it, and you know, I like worrying so I might as well worry about worrying, right???

But really, when I've thought about it I think: This is how I get stuff done. Worry to some degree is my motivation to keep moving.

And this one is grand and I still don't see the fallacy of it, but I know it's in there: If I don't worry about *whatever* who will?

If I don't worry about money and livelihoods and jobs and work and our house and our dog and our lives, who will worry about them? John? I don't think so.

So suddenly if I'm not worrying about these things, then who is watching over them? Who's making sure we don't run out of money and time?

I know, being responsible for my life and my money are not the same thing as worrying about them, but I'm thinking maybe for me it is.

I also think my doubling down on worrying has been since mom died. There's an extra anxiety now, an extra fear, of what I have no idea, but I am way more fearful than I was even 12 months ago. I like to consider myself way chill, but I'm starting to worry (heh) that that's not true at all. That actually, I'm getting more tangled up in knots than I've ever been. Certainly my life circumstances are different than they were 12 months ago, things were a little more solid than they are now, but this is different.

Huh.

Anyway, don't worry about it.

1 comment:

Melisa said...

*waving*

You're so funny. I need to email you to clarify something I said.