Saturday, October 27, 2012

Back

I'm back sitting at the Argo Tea I was sitting at when I realized in 3 weeks I was going to the Sahara Desert - and it's all still here just like it was when I left. Thank god.

Things are good, it's a little adjustment coming back, having everything be exactly the same, John and I fall immediately back into our own habits. In some ways that's so nice, in some ways, it's really aggravating. What did we go for after all if everything was going to stay the same?

But it isn't, we aren't and sometimes same is really freaking nice.

Thinking a lot lately about my "authentic self." Drives me bananas. I find that phrase so elusive and strange it's hard to even imagine what my authentic self is. I think when I'm traveling I can be a little more authentic, because you don't have all of the constructs, but still...

At home, I'm definitely not. I wrote this post on Lost and Found and I wrote it when I was really angry and sad about Morocco and I woke up early one morning and just wrote it all down. And I really wavered about whether to post it you know? I didn't want to be "impolite" or "rude" or "close-minded." Of course, that post has gotten the most response of any.

And I try to remind myself that people want honesty more than anything, not polite Margaret trying to be nice and polite, but truth. And that some people might get mad or offended and that's OK.

I read one bad review of Chicago Elevated on a site I didn't even know had reviews. ONE BAD REVIEW of 100 good ones all over and I cannot stop thinking about it. Why didnt' they tell me? What did I do? I want to find the lady and write her and find out WHY SHE HATES ME SO MUCH.

God Hixx. Seriously. Calm down. People are allowed not to like me - I think.

I'm working on it, I really am, because obviously the best, truest me comes out when I let go a little bit and just say what I really think - but that's really really hard for me.

Do you guys have that? Is that just me? Do you even know who your "authentic self" is?

3 comments:

Melisa said...

It's not just you. First of all, you can't please everyone no matter WHAT you do, so you might as well be yourself: it's easier.

Also, people DO want honesty. I remember a conversation we had one day, one that you have probably forgotten completely. You said something to me about how you typically swear much more, and that's "the real Margaret". I was taken aback for a moment because I wondered why you were holding your true self back from me, a (relatively new) friend. The idea that you were not swearing like you "normally do" made me wonder if you really thought that was a big enough part of your personality to make me go running the other way if you revealed it to me: I adore you: ALL OF YOU. Curse away, be yourself. Those of us who love the real Margaret will be there. The others can go F off.

Also, the review: first of all, that person is clearly going through some hardship that has affected her judgement. :) But seriously, like I said above, you can't please everyone. You can only try your best. If you have an opportunity to respond to that review on the site where it was left, I'd do that. Invite her to give you a call so you can talk about it. If you can't respond to her or she doesn't want to call, you'll have to let it go and concentrate on all of us who think you give kick-ass tours. We're the majority anyway.
xoxo

P.S. PIZZA.

Hixx said...

Yeah, I remember that! Now I'd totally swear up a storm in front of you, if that counts for anything! A SUPERSTORM.

Yes, thank you for this, I know all these things are true, especially at 42 years old, but MAN ALIVE, even just thinking about my authentic self makes my head hurt.

And the woman, I've let it go a bit, but amazing how some words from a stranger just cut right through! My authentic self is a pussy.

KIDDING. I kid.

Melisa said...

"My authentic self is a pussy." HAHAHAHA!

I can't wait for your superstorm of swearing. We'd better eat pizza in the back corner of the restaurant.