Thursday, May 24, 2012

Damocles is effed

The sword has fallen.

Hospice has been called.

My mom is dying.

Argh.

Her kidneys are still not doing what they're supposed to. She's been given a few weeks, who knows what that means.

My brother and I are headed there today to try and see if we can talk to her about this, see if she understands, prepare her for the hospice nurse who we'll meet today.

She'll stay where she is. She'll go into renal failure, which from what we've been told, is a PAINLESS death. The toxins that build up act as an anesthetic and she'll get sleepy and warm and happy and she'll go to sleep and die. I am incredibly relieved mom is in little pain.

My mom. She's so small. She's lying in that bed, her death days away.

We've been battling this so long, fighting for mom, wishing and hoping all kinds of things. And now that it's time, there is some relief, but it's mostly just total fucking sadness. I've wished for mom to drift away many times, but now that it's here, I don't want her to go anywhere. I want her to stay right here with me forever.

And of course, a week ago I had all the time in the world and now, well...it's BIG TOUR WEEKEND and the GROUPON comes out tomorrow and .... all I want to do is just go sit with mom.

So, we wait, the death watch begins, friends are being called if they want one last goodbye.

I'll miss her so much. A world without my mom is just surreal.

And pretty lonely. 


7 comments:

Becca said...

Oh, Margaret. I am so sorry to hear this. I'll be thinking about you all.

wafelenbak said...

I've been reading regularly and thinking of you but just hadn't commented. *big hug* I'm so sorry. :(

Kate said...

Awww, Hixx, I wish I was near you so I could give you a big hug. Take the time you need to be with your family ... I'm sure you know that work can wait. xoxo

Hendo said...

Margaret, I'm so sorry. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but this is probably a blessing for both her and for you and your family.

Please let me know if you need anything, and know I'll keep you in my thoughts and heart.

Crescent said...

I can't even begin.....please know how loved you are. Please know that we are here. Please call/text if there is ANYthing you need. 312-622-4590

Love you and holding you in my heart.

Hixx said...

Thank you all for the lovely words. More soon.

Melisa Wells said...

I'm so sorry, Margaret. I've been off the grid for a few days and just saw this. I will keep you and your Mom in my thoughts. xoxo