Thursday, January 05, 2012


Ack, who am I kidding.

Every since Christmas, I've been feeling really shitty.

Guh, it's not shitty exactly, that's not the right word.

Sad maybe?

But each morning I wake up with a boulder of fjaklds;fkalds;h in my stomach and I can't make it go away. Exercise, stretching, sleep, good times with John or friends.

I feel awful.

I suppose it's probably mom. Certainly that Christmas party trip to the old folks home sent me to a sad place and I'm not sure I've bounced back.

Luckily for me, this sadness has transformed itself to a truly nasty case of self-hatred.

And I can see all of it. I can see my sadness, I can see the self-hatred, I can see all of it, know it for what it is, yet...I can't make it GO AWAY.

John has been so patient with me, bringing me treats and making me smile and making fun plans and all of that, and I see that too. I see how each morning when my brow furrows that he's trying to make it go away and I hate that he can't.

My normal lightness is a bit weighed. I'm close to tears a lot.

I'm scared and sad and can't find my fucking groove and it's making me crazy.

My life is REAL good right now, I need my gratitude. I need my drive. I need my confidence and my awesome back so much and I look and look and think and think and work and work and all of it is forced and BLAjsdflka;sdjtiro4pewy8afghieot;hdg

Anyway, I'm cool with me, I know it's a phase. But if I could stop beating up on myself so much about it, it would be better. But see...there's so much to beat myself up for.

Guh, maybe I'll just beat up someone else?


Crescent said...

OH i hate these feelings. I've had them many times. I always take very long showers and just stand in there until I finally stop saying negative things about myself. It's weird but it really helps me. Something about the water and naked and just forcing yourself to face yourself for a bit. Give yourself a GIANT break too. You are dealing with some really painful stuff. Don't add a friendship break up with yourself to the list. Feel it and try to be there for yourself. Also if you need anything at all or just to drink a lot please let me know. I have lots of free time with J working nights. Love you!!!!

BigHig said...

We're always hardest on ourselves. Stay busy, control what you can. That's all any of us can do.

Hendo said...

SO WEIRD!!!! I was thinking about this topic this morning. I've been in an absolute FUNK for the last two weeks. It's nearly impossible to haul myself out of bed in the morning to go to work. I'd love to just pull the shades and stay under the covers all day.

I bought one of those light thing-a-ma-bobs for my desk to help me, cuz I know part of it with me is the time of the year, with the days so short. I get up when it's still dark, I get a bit of light on the bus, then I work in my office with no windows, and it's dark when I leave. My body needs more.

But part of it (and a big part this year) is the end of the holidays, and not seeing my mom and step-dad this year, and seeing my dad in the condition he's in (and seeing his pants drop in the kitchen of my sister's house as he was adjusting his belt, displaying his adult diapers).

I mean, this year it dawned on me just how little time I have left with my folks, and how some of that time is already so damaged. And it scared and saddened me.

But Higgins is right... don't take it out on yourself. Push on through.

If you ever need ANYTHING, give me a holler!

Hixx said...

Aw you guys. I love you. Thank you.

*crescent yespleasedrinkssoon it's been way too long*