Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Funny that


Oh man my life!

For the past few weeks, as you can probably tell, I'm going through an identity crisis. I keep talking about the same things over and over (my husband is so bored, I can tell, he's sweet though and doesn't say anything), I keep knocking myself over and over about how boring I am and how I talk about the same things over and over. It's the classic "i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

I don't think it's a mid-life crisis, it's not nearly at crisis proportion and truly - I'm okay with turning 40. I really am. It's more that I got everything together and I have to figure out what in the hell to do with myself. Yes yes, it's about marketing, but it's about so much more than that. It's about coming to a self-actualized place. It's about getting out of a rut, it's about coming more fully into myself and digging into the deeper and more creative places - it's about self-expression and fear and BLAH.

I find it interesting that I am struggling with self-expression when I'm about to go to the desert for what is called "radical self-expression." Sure, I'm excited about Burningman, but don't think that statement doesn't scare the shit out of me. I read somewhere - don't just wear a tshirt and shorts - this is about expression, wear whatever attracts you.

I don't even know what this means. I've been wearing a tshirt and shorts my WHOLE LIFE. Don't get me wrong everyone, I can hear you all now "margaret can wear a tshirt and shorts if she wants to, geez Burningman, get off her back." And I can and I probably will, but the fact that I'm confused about expressing myself with an article of clothing means I could probably use a few lessons in self-expression.

And go to India after the desert. I told John - if I'm not figured out by the time we get back from India - it'll never happen.


Hendo said...

Um, I'm pretty sure that figuring yourself out is a life-long process. Because the concept of "you" is a moving bogey; constantly changing as you are changed by the people, places and events around you change.

Now, me... I think that's a good thing. Because the only way for me to figure myself out permanently is to either a) enter a state of permanent stagnation; or b)die. I'd prefer option c) neither.

So quit worrying about the product that is "you," and simply embrace the process.

I hope that makes sense to you; it's pretty much the way I live my life and the only thing that keeps me sane! :-)

BigHig said...

It is extremely hard to express yourself when someone mandates that you do.

It's all boobs and dicks at Burningman. You'll be fine.

Hixx said...

Hendo, I totally agree. I do. I mean, we don't become our "full selves" ever...BUT, I also think that themes come up at different times because that's what you need to figure out at that time. Right now, I'm frustrated creatively, I need to break out - feel something - do something - bigger than I've done before. When I get over this theme, there will always be another one.