And ooh man do those just sit in my brain and stew and stew.
The gut reaction of defensiveness is so strong that it almost really scares me. Even when my Buddhist brain kicks in and I can watch myself get all personally offended by these comments, I can't stop the over and over and what I should say and what I didn't say and emails I should send and blah blah blah.
We all think everyone likes us all the time right?
And when we find out we're not beloved by all (or even just made a mistake, or even didn't make a mistake just did something someone didn't like or doesn't understand) it is so automatic to dwell on it and dwell on it and dwell on it.
It's very Peter Keating (The Fountainhead reference). I wish automatically that I had done or said something different than I did, or wish that I could change things. Then I get angry at that person: It's not really my fault, they're the asshole or they're the ones that misunderstood.
When really, none of that matters. If I can fix it, or I really was wrong, well then...it's time to apologize as honestly as possible. If it's just something I said or did that someone thought was odd or strange, well so be it, guess what? I'm odd and strange.
But it's led me to a couple of thoughts: The only one I can truly trust with all my thoughts is me. It's really a path to liking oneself. I know just what I mean, it's refreshing.
I also think I've been REALLY in my head for the past 4-5 months...hell...fuck it...the past year. I've been so focused on "being awesome" with people in my professional life, I honestly think I've let some personal things....flutter a bit.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. - Dalai Lama
I'm working on it Dalai.