Sunday, November 15, 2009

Quiet Night

Sunday evening, sun's going down, I exercised a lot today, I slept a lot, I'm working some, I'm going to watch some TV soon. I still really dig Sundays.

We had a nice weekend this weekend, it's weird, I think John and I both are easing back into the world. I know a lot of people are struggling with the unemployment thing right now and you probably understand the warning level we've been living at for a long time. I've been so tightly wound, so living day to day when my natural instinct is to plan years ahead. Since we've been together so much, I think John and I have approached each other in this last year in a different way. There have been great moments and hard moments and not much in between. Each morning that we have woken up has been "what's going to happen today." And not in a fun exciting way, but in a way that we have had to brace ourselves each day, to fight to remain positive, to fight worry and her nasty jabs.

I think he and I have done a good job of remaining positive, of loving each other, of understanding what the other one is going through, but it hasn't been easy. We went from wedding to worry, there wasn't much honeymoon period in there. We had Thailand, an oasis from the every day, thank goodness.

Now it's time to get back on top. Now it's time to concentrate on loving each other without worry or fear (certainly quite more caution than we had before though, whew), now we can laugh honestly, instead of laughing because we'll cry if we don't.

I don't mean to sound pathetic, because I don't feel that way at all. But there is a shift in thinking here, a relaxing of the shoulders, a letting out of the breath, a quiet closing of the eyes. It's not all about "money" either, what it's about, is answers. We've lived for a long time not knowing what's going to happen, that's hard for me, I like to know what's going to happen every second of the day.

Now we have some answers. I'm no fool, so many other questions are coming, that's life and marriage and I know this and I'm ready for it, but for now, these questions are answered and it feels really nice.

I'm going to get some new eyeglasses and some new shoes. I'm going to go to the dentist and the doctor, we can get the car fixed. We're going to pay down our debt and maybe I'll get my hair streaked. I'm going to get some clothes that fit since I lost 20 pounds! I'm going to go to Burning Man in August for my 40th birthday, we might go to Vegas (we got MILES dude!), we're going to take all the lessons that we have learned this year and apply them to the world, we're going to be awesome.

Awesomer.

4 comments:

Kate said...

Awesomest.

Jocelyn said...

i'd love to hear about burning man. that's always sounded so ... man, i don't know. it's always sounded like it could be SO many things, but like it could have a lot of possibility to be .... well, you know what, i guess it has always been billed as some kind of utopia, which has led me to believe that it has the possibility to go horribly wrong. i guess THAT's what i think. cause there's just no real concept of utopia that makes sense to me.

anyway, i think you're a practical person who also can enjoy whimsical things and have fun and build a great community, so i think you'll rock the shit out of it. does that make sense?

i'm so admiring of you and john over this year. although, i was just thinking about something last night and i'm really hoping C3PO gets some rep at some point. that still kind of bothers me. :/

rebar said...

I have confirmed that I will be headed to Vegas the weekend of March 20th (actual fly dates still in flux, but that's the weekend.)

How I would LOVE if we just happened to "completely unexpectedly cross paths" there...

Hixx said...

Thank you Kate! Yes, awesomest.

Smuss, I don't know, BM is just something that captures my imagination. All of it, no money, art in the desert...it's been a bucket list for many years, 40 seems like the right amount of years. And hell yeah, I like C3PO too.

Rebecca...it's in the brain and could be totally doable. We will discuss.