Ask the Hixx is still on! Please to leave your questions in the comment section! I will be answering tomorrow!
But I did want to talk about something else today.
We found out my mom has shingles. Ugh.
Certainly it's probably not a surprise, she's in an old folks home, she's paralyzed, spends most of her day in bed, she's almost 80, she's a little old lady.
But it's just one more icky cherry on the sundae of her life.
And I can't help but think, in my darkness, that in some ways she asked for this.
You see, my mother spent her whole life begging to be left alone, she said all she wanted to do was watch TV. She married two messy men who couldn't give her what she wanted or needed, she never opened herself really. Don't get me wrong, my mother is an amazing, hilarious and strong woman who raised 4 really wonderful children, but I think she gave up a long time ago. And decided all she wanted was to be alone to watch TV.
And now, in a very sick way, she's gotten just what she wanted. She lies in her bed, only her children to visit her (amazing how friends who are also "older" see so much fear in her situation, they don't come around much anymore), a few nurses to take care of her, but that's it. She never does any of the things in her home, doesn't go on outings, doesn't go to any kind of exercise class, doesn't go to dinner (I don't blame her for this one however, mom is leaps and bounds ahead of these other people mentally, but hell, there has to be someone there to tell bad jokes to), she just...lies in her bed and repeats her request to be left alone.
My mom used to be a wonderful painter, she won't even try now. She asks for new computers but refuses to go down to the computer lab.
And today I just can't bear it. I just can't bear that this is what she has allowed her life to become and I hear myself so often saying just what she did, leave me alone, I want to sit alone and watch TV.
So I'm all fired up, all fired up. I want to want something else from my life, I want to have a truly intimate relationship with my husband, I want to venture outside into the sunshine, I want to have friends and family as close as possible. I want to make my own way and my own money. I want to travel oh god do I want to travel. I want to go to the beach and ride my bike and pet my dog. I want to work and learn and laugh and drink and eat and be mad and passionate and in shape and silly.
Tonight I am battling my urge to work a little and then sit on the couch. I'm going to a romantic dinner with my husband and then we'll venture over to the beach to try and catch the meteor shower.
Be careful what you wish for my friends, you never know how your wish will be granted.
2 comments:
Amen. I want all that goodness for you, too;)
We learn a lot from our mothers. When we are young, we learn morals, values, love, academics, etc, and when we are older, we learn how not to act, and learn from their mistakes and ways.
I have this all the time--I don't want to be like my mom. Fuzzy tells me that I am like her in all the ways that she is good, but none of the ways that are bad or sad. I am sure that is true for you and your mother as well.
Just the fact that you know what you want and see what you don't want for you through her means that you won't be like that. You are your own woman, and you are far away from any type of stagnant life.
And for the shingles, well, that sucks. Having had them myself just a few short months ago, I certainly empathize, and understand the "Really?" feeling of having it buried on you on top of so much other crap. I hope that they aren't on her face or head.
xoxo
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