Okay, this is for me and for everyone else struggling out there, which is pretty much everyone except Beyonce. I don't think that lady struggles for anything.
A week ago, there was little light in my heart. Coming home from Thailand to a whole lot of nothing (especially in the bank account) was really hard. The cold and the brokeness and the hours of endless staying in the house was about to kill me. I didn't think I could make it one more day honestly.
But then a little light shone when I woke up one morning last week and decided I was "never going to sing another sad song for as long as I live" (that's from this song from FNL that I love) and I made a commitment to get up, get out of bed and just...work. Work on writing, work on working out, work on taking walks, work at this part time job...just work.
The next day I had a great talk with John. The next day something else wonderful happened. And today a couple more nice things happened and although my heart is still filled with immense fear, I've been trying really hard to remember what I have. A handsome husband who makes me laugh, a great dog, a warm house...and I keep trying really hard to thank my lucky stars for what I do have.
I'm not all yippy dippy, I had a really iffy day yesterday, when I thought no matter what happens we're still fucked. But we're not fucked and everyone's fucked and everyone's struggling and everyone's fighting for their lives to some degree. And I don't have any idea what's going to happen to us, how this is going to end up, but I do know that "worrying" isn't getting me anywhere.
I think about Tolle, just take the next step. Stop worrying about what ails you, and just keep taking the next step.
So I'm doing that, not pushing away my fear, or swallowing it, or denying it, but I'm trying to turn my fear into motivation, into a positive, into the right kind of energy. 'Cause no one wants a middle-aged, scared, angry, selfish woman in their ranks.
Well someone might, but ANTM just started...