Thursday, October 23, 2008

Swing of things

So, when do I blog now that I can blog whenever I want? weird. Not that I couldn't blog whenever I wanted before, but if nothing else, Hixx is a creature of habit and blogging was part of that. So its weird to not have my "blogtime"

Anyway, things still up and down. Amazing how many things I have to let go of to make this all okay. Like I said, I'm a creature of habit and suddenly, there's no habit to rely on right now and it just makes me all kinds of freaked out.

It is my instinct to obey. It just is, and even with all secret wishes of disobeying, now that its time, that the moment has presented itself to me, I have such a hard time doing it. I want to do the right thing, follow the path other people are on, make sure I'm doing what they're all doing otherwise that means I'm doing it the wrong way. What else do you do besides get a 9-5, insurance, and check Facebook?


So, I'm working on allowing myself to truly and completely think of a life outside of that context. I know other people lead lives like this, but not me...not ever.

I'm working on allowing myself to enjoy some of this time off instead of assuming that if I'm not worrying, then that means I'm not working on it. If I enjoy myself while I and my husband are unemployed, well thats just setting yourself up, that means you're a bad person who's not working hard.

I'm trying to call bullshit on myself.

Oh, and one thing I really find fascinating about Curtis White who wrote The Spirit of Disobedience, is that in his mantra "Disobey. Make something beautiful. Try to win" is the "Try to win" part.

In my family, life was about art, music, creation but no one ever taught us that we also need to win. Because if you don't have that drive and discipline, then you just make your art and sit in your room.

It's the trying to win part thats most important I think and also where I have the most trouble. I'm the girl that wants to stay back, be left alone, winning isn't important...but it is. It's really important to say what you what, find out how you're going to get it, find out who's going to give it to you and then ASK THEM FOR IT.

Ain't no one gonna come knock on my door and offer me the life I want.

I think its time for a nap.


Tankboy said...

Heh, i had Curtis White as my Freshman year English teacher in 1990. Also, I have a theory about him...

Hixx said...


I love him. I love Middlemind too. Curtis White rules.