Truth or dare

My blog has become ridiculous lately hasn’t it? Blabbering on about things that really, no one much cares about.

I’m still struggling with the “truth” of the blog, and if you don’t tell it, the blog is not worth reading. No one wants to read about my television habits. They read to compare themselves with the blogger, or get some kind of more personalized information from the blog, or some insight into the person writing it.

So okay, here’s my truth.

Smoking. I’ve quit, the most quit I’ve ever quit. But I’ve still had some. I have a few when I’m out. And honestly, I’ve bought packs just so I can have one, and then throw out the pack.

I gotta tell you, that “one” that I have is one I want so badly. I speak truthfully when I say that I will never be a pack a day smoker again, or even a one a day. But when I want one, I want one so much, that I think I should get one.

When I go out, and have more than one, I feel HORRIBLE the next day, I smell and I hate it. I can feel it in my lungs and I hate it. But love the one (or 8) that I had.

I love my money and my warm hands. But obviously I love cigarettes too. Well, not love, but man oh man, when I want one I want one so badly.

Am I fooling myself? Am I in denial? If I have one or five cigarettes a week, am I still addicted? Am I doomed to going back and smoking all the time? Am I weak? Am I still killing myself by only smoking a few? Do I still get to feel the rack of guilt I look for?

And my next questions, is there ANYONE in the world that is not addicted to something? Anyone? Granted, my addiction can kill me. And I’m not trying to lessen my addiction, or defend it. But what about eating? Gambling? Sex? Drinking?

Is there anyone out there with a clean slate? No addictions? Is that what it means to be human? Have we always had addictions? Where did they come from? What was the first? Will we always have them? Is there anyway at all to get rid of them?

Anyhoo, I’m still going to try and be more truthful here, even though my family and boyfriend and friends read my blog, it’s not as if they don’t know most of my secrets anyway. If I want to write, which I do, I have to learn to admit to my truths.

Anyway, I’m buying a laptop this weekend. Yup, straight out of the store. I’ve been waiting for this. I’ve been wanting to buy myself a laptop for over a year now. And this is what I’m going to do

Also getting certified for Art Deco, then I’m done docenting for awhile. I need a break.

TGIF y’all.