Christmas

I sit here on Christmas night, alone in my apartment. John has gone to see his parents in Wisconsin, while I stayed here to be with my family.

And that nagging feeling of Christmas has never really left me. John did an amazing job in boosting my spirits and showing my some respite and romance in a crazy weekend. But still, I still waited for it to be over.

I could lie, and say Christmas was wonderful, but it wasn't. There were parts of it that were amazing, I met my nephew Jack for the first time. I got to know my niece, Grace, so much better. I spent consoling and hilarious moments with my family. But there was no escaping that things were different this year. That my mothers stroke had definitely changed everything, and how do we deal on this very first Christmas. And why it is so hard for any of us to stop thinking for one moment, and stop feeling for one moment, and some how find peace in all of this.

There are so many reasons we can't stop thinking and feeling, that's what we do. And the fact is, that my mother was so excited, so agitated, so bored, so hopeful, so full of expectations that there was nothing we could do to make it wonderful or even right. Nothing we could do could make it okay, even though we tried like the dickens. (Little literary christmas humor).

So I'm hopeful for the days that are not special, the days like any other, the days that don't hold any expectations, so none can be lessened. I look forward to structure and regularity. I'm thankful for my brothers and their humor and their strength. I'm thankful for my niece and nephew that brought our christmas some kind of hope and excitement. And I'm thankful for a quiet night tonight, to take it all in, to process all that I"ve seen and experienced.

And last but not least, I wish for a lighter heart next year. One that might actually believe that Santa's on his way. Beacause, well, you just never know.