Man...

Ugh ugh ugh. Why is it that this day is taking ever so long?

Why is it, that sometimes in my life, my face gets REALLY hot? I call it, creatively, hot face.

Why is it, that on the days that are going to last the longest, none of my emailing friends are actually in?

I’m trying to be christmasy. I swear I am. I’m doing my best. But my sincere yearning for this holiday are the days off, not the actual holiday.

Where is it? My Christmas spirit? I feel it in little spurts, looking at our pretty Christmas tree I was resistant to getting. Or listening to the enthusiastic Salvation Army guy in front of the Mart. Or hearing “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

But generally, I’m waiting for it to be over.

Maybe I’m just pessimistic today.

Maybe its that this holiday season is harder, cause of mom and her limitations. Her excitement about us all being here, when really we all know about the depression underneath. The fear that once this season is over, what is it really that she has to look forward to?

Could be confusion over money and security, that things are uncomfortably sketchy at this point in my life.

Could be I’ll feel it as soon as I walk out this door and head into a 5 day vacation.

I don’t know, I honestly don’t. Am I whining? Am I asking too many questions? Am I asking the wrong ones? Am I too in my head according to Eckhart Tolle who says that is the source of all dysfunction?

I dunno, but I don’t feel romantic, I don’t feel peace, I don’t feel harmony, I don’t feel brotherly love, I don’t feel gracious, I don’t feel generous.

I feel Scroogy, I feel reclusive, I feel I feel I feel IIIIIIIIIIIIII

Man, I gotta lighten up.