Secrets

Well, what a whirlwind weekend it was. And although it was a weekend of nothing major happening, it was a weekend of major happenings.

I’ve been writing this blog for over a year now. And I’ve been thinking lately that I need to dig a little deeper, tell some truths instead of funny stories about bedbugs and game controllers. I find it’s interesting, once you have a blog and start telling people to read it, then all of a sudden you can’t tell certain stories. If your family and friends all read your blog, to some degree you can’t tell your deepest secrets, cause everyone is reading your blog. I dunno.

My point is sort of, that I had one of the most profound and disappointing and saddening experiences of my whole life this week (you just never know when it’s going to happen, you wake up, it’s Friday, but who knew this particular Friday would change who you are?).

And my point again is that I’m not ready and don’t want to speak of what happened, but the overriding point of it was shame. I felt, for the first time since I can remember, truly ashamed of myself. Truly disappointed in who I am and what I do. And, there’s no reason for me to feel so ashamed of myself, on this particular occasion, I had a lot of people telling me I was a hero for what I did, which in turn made the shame even more pronounced.

I want to write it out, at some point in the future, because I’m thinking about writing a lot these days. I want to remember this horrible moment as much as I want to forget it. It’s the strongest emotional response I’ve had in a long time, and I want to hold on to it, so I can write something meaningful about it later.

My blog would seem the appropriate place to write such a thing, I just can’t seem to do it. Because it’s personal, because it’s shameful, because it’s sad and because, well…just because.

So I’m teasing yes? Telling you something major happened and not telling you what it is. I don’t seem to be progressing in my blog as much as I hoped then…but soon..maybe I’ll tell the story, just to get it down before I deny it away and downplay the emotion.

Maybe.