Sunday, February 28, 2016

Cockblocking Responsibility

When I was 20, I totally thought I was going to have kids. By about 22, I was pretty sure I wasn't.

It's such a big decision. And to actively choose not to, it's hard you know? Because, this is what you  do. Go to college. Buy house. Have kids.

I dropped out of college. Twice. The SAME COLLEGE. Twice. And I rent. Like a boss.

I was talking to John about a possible business partnership and as soon as the realization of responsibility came up, my stomach got sick. I got tight, aggravated and felt put upon. As we were talking about this I said something that I think sums up everything about who I am in one sentence:

"I just want to be able to change my mind whenever I want without affecting anyone."


I was taken back to when I was 10. Greeley School. Winnetka, IL. We were singing "Sailing," yes, that one, and we were all on stage and my music teacher handed ME the triangle and had me stand in front of everyone and hit it like, 10 times at specific times.

I hated it. I remember now thinking, "I don't want to be responsible for this triangle. Or this song, or getting the timing right. Someone else should do it." And it wasn't that I didn't care. I did. I liked singing Sailing just fine, I just don't want to be responsible for the fucking triangle.

Team sports? No thanks! GUH. Is there anything worse than being responsible for someone else's goal, point, basket? BLECH. I can't think of a bigger hell.

Everytime I try to work with someone else on a project, a project that's half mine or whatever, I get upset and sad and trapped. I'll happily help you with your project, as long as I'm just the volunteer and have no responsibility and it's really your project and on your head. And I'm great running my own projects and having people help me, that's lovely!Thank goodness for all of the help people have given me.

And don't think for one second sometimes even the dog (my precious, perfect, wonderful and spectacular dog) doesn't sometimes get lumped into "responsibility." I think it's actually amazing I have a dog at all. It's the most responsibility for someone else I've ever had. Even my husband admitted he sees this very clearly in me and knew when he married me he couldn't get in they way of my choices and that he has his own version of letting me alone. He also keeps trying to get me to want to "buy" a house, condo, whatever. I have no interest. Can you imagine being responsible for A WHOLE HOUSE?? WHY!!!?!!? Why would I do something like that? I'm such a happy renter.

So children were out. They just were. I can't think of anyone being more affected by my decisions than any children I might have. I wondered for awhile if this was a problem, my lack of responsibility for other people - and fuck it. Who cares. I have great passion for what I have great passion for and the fact that I can change that passion RIGHT NOW without hurting anyone, or putting anyone out, or pissing anyone off, is about the greatest level of freedom I can imagine.

Plus, if I follow my Buddhist teachings, I'll be back on this earth again.

I'll have kids then.

This life? This life is for pleasing me most of all.


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