Saturday, December 28, 2013


Well, you all, this has just been something.

Christmas this year was a hard time, I'm just gonna say it. This year I was one of those people that other people warn you about. "You know, that this can be a hard time of year for people, don't forget that other people might be sad." I appreciate those sentiments sometimes.

I mean, we had a really nice holiday, starting with marching in the Lights Festival parade and ending with an absolutely stunningly beautiful and Christmas-esque time in Wisco, I just spent the whole time truly mourning my mom.

I think my original mourning was just that 1st level. Getting used to the physical loss of her, not going to see her, etc., but this Christmas somehow, I missed the idea of "mom." I missed everything, all the Christmas traditions, mom loved it. John never got to see it, never got to see my family in action at Christmas. Never got to go to Maine and go to the movies and walk around the little town and the lakes and be warm by the fireplaces. He never got to see a family Christmas with us. That makes me SO sad. No one but me and my brothers will ever know, you know? Argh. Tears.

The whole thing makes me sad. Really, really sad. And I got really envious of everyone going home to their families and stuff. Not mad at them, I was happy for them, but I felt gipped. Gypped? Jipped?

Anyhoo. Now Christmas is over and I have a fucking cold. So I'm hoping this is it. On the other side of this cold is 2014 and maybe a lighter heart as I've maybe let go of some of this grief that has obviously been sitting in there.

I have this insane desire to get to work, I think that's the holidays too, I've actually be really busy with tours and that is AWESOME, but with the holidays and all the running around and working pretty stupid hard, I'm looking forward to the winter. I was listening to a Buddhist guy who talked about how important winter is. For quiet. For sleep. For spring and rebirth. That's why I don't understand no weather people...I crave winter.

ANYHOO. It all sounds a little more depressing than I am, but I haven't been this "emotional" in a long time so it takes me off guard when it happens and I suppose it should. That way I can look at it a little and also know that it will too pass. So I might as well get all of it out of it that I can.

Happy New Year!

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