Monday, November 18, 2013

Forever battling

HEY. Hi. 

Shark Tank is the best show on TV and Walking Dead is second. 
Thanksgiving is next week. 
Tomorrow I'm going to Ikea. 

That's all about that. 

So, really REALLY working hard on knocking down the things I'm "supposed" to think. Yesterday we had this big storm right? And I cancelled a tour and cancelled a tour we were supposed to go on for a friend. Biggest storm of the season, Bears games are being postponed and I felt SO GUILTY about cancelling my tour (at 1PM by the by, at the heart of the storm) that I couldn't really let it go until it started thundering, even then, when it cleared up by 2, I felt awful. 

I have such a strong inner "moral code."

But um, I made it up. 

Who's fucking code am I following here? I've mentioned this before, but it's really coming into play now since being home. I have so many "shoulds" in my life I can't believe it. So many and I made them all up. I should be doing this or that, and I definitely should NOT be doing this or that (like enjoying a FULL day on the couch yesterday with my husband and my dog eating really good food and drinking hot tea, what an asshole I am right??!). 

There are all kinds of things I should and shouldn't be doing. I get frustrated with myself when I exercise that I'm not stronger and then you know what happens right? I hurt my fucking self. I fucking hurt myself because I *should* be stronger.

THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS! Right? Silly Marg. 

The REAL reason I exercise is because I like it, it gets me going in the morning, I love being outside and listening to my music. I like getting my body moving, feeling the blood flow, it's good for it. The REAL reason I exercise is NOT to get really strong and be a fitness expert. Right? Who's law am I following when I HAVE TO BE STRONGER. No one's. NO ONE'S. 

$$$MONEY$$$$$ - always such a sticking point with me, always. Money can bring me up and drag me right down, faster than anything, faster than John - faster than anything. I can get into a real hole about money or I can get really manically high about it if we have some. I am absolutely in my head twisted all around about $$$$MONEY$$$$ right now. I should have more, I'm going to have to make more, I have THINGS TO BUY. 

You know what right? 

There is nothing I need. 

There is nothing I need to buy. 

I have enough money for now and a little for the future. 

And I am absolutely so terrified I can barely move. 

It's these self-inflicted rules that are just killing me. I don't know where they call came from, I'm working on it, but goddamn! I am really struggling. 

Always in my Buddhist podcasts they quote Rilke all the time, here was one I heard this morning:

"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” 

Nothing to be afraid of Hixx, only things that need attention and love and awareness. 

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