Saturday, November 30, 2013

Cryptic

Hey what's up Thanksgiving!?

We had a nice one, went to John's parents house. It's very pretty there and John has a really nice family, babies and kids and laughter and all that. So it was very nice. Good times. TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.

You know, my brother asked me about my last post about my history rearing it's head after so long and I'm not real sure why I was so cryptic about it.

A. I'm not 20.
B. No one who was involved reads this blog, only two people read this blog, me and my brother. Heh.
C. Even if they did read this blog, what am I? 20?

So, the story is, last weekend a bunch of my sorority sisters booked a fake private tour and surprised me downtown. Seems nice right? And it was. It really was thoughtful and fun and ... weird.

College was a very odd time for me. I went to Butler U in Indianapolis. It was very Greek and you rush a sorority before you even start school. The week of rush, my father was dying in a hospital in Arizona. I'm rushing while my father was fading. When it came time for "bid night" (when you pick the house and they pick you) I was actually in Arizona and had to call the Theta house to tell them I'd be there in a few days. They knew...

My sorority sisters kept me sane that first year. They were so kind, automatic friends. Everyone knew about my dad (who died right after college actually started), but I drank. A lot. If I had been sexually active, I totally would have been date-raped, I'm sure of it. There were some sketchy nights. I had a lot of people looking out for me, but we were all in danger of it.

I hated and loved the sorority. It was tough for me to be a part of set group like that, I felt totally included and completely left out.

I left college and moved home after freshman year. Stayed out for a year and WENT BACK TO BUTLER and to the sorority again. I dunno. I was 20.

Then I left AFTER THAT YEAR and moved to Colorado with a boyfriend, Brian, who when I think about it now honestly makes my stomach turn.

That time in my life is very far away, very tough to face for reasons I'm not even sure of. They're so tender still - I don't really touch them.

One year, about 10 years ago I was going to go to Butler homecoming. I drove all the way there, rented a car, got a hotel room - checked in, drove over to the Fieldhouse, got out of the car, walked about 10 steps away from where my sisters were and turned around, got into the car, checked out of the hotel and drove 4 hours home. Without saying a word to anyone.

I haven't seen those women in 25 years. And I hate to say it, but it was for a reason. I love them, but what they remind me of, that time in my life...ugh, I don't even like writing about it now. I'm not real stuck up on stuff in my past - but this time. Ugh.

So it was strange and it was a surprise and I had work to do and places to be and I saw that they love me and I just felt like I couldn't, wasn't still ready, to return it.

God we're complicated aren't we?

So you know what? I didn't return it. I went about my work, I smiled and laughed with them and appreciated it and then I kept doing what I do here, in my city.

Still thinking on it. But that's what I was being cryptic about. So...merry Christmas!

2 comments:

Melisa said...

I read. *waving*

That would be SO WEIRD. Bizarre, even. Oy. It's one thing for friends you haven't seen in a year or so to do that, but COLLEGE FRIENDS surprising you? I'm with you. Weird.

Pizza.

Hixx said...

Thanks Melisa! HI! Okay right? I mean, nice but weird right? Thank you.