Monday, August 12, 2013

Heartbroken and completely shocked.

So, it's come up a few times in the last week. Something I haven't seen nor heard in quite awhile and it shocked me honestly, shocked me a lot.

In the past week I have had two (really three but she's always done it!) really beautiful wonderful friends of mine, friends MY AGE, put themselves down.

And not put themselves down like, "ugh, feel fat today" or "God I'm so old, I fart all the time," or "oh my achy knees," but true self-cruelty. Anger, shame, guilt.

My mouth hung open, quite literally, when I heard my dear friends speak about themselves like that. It hurts, it really does. We're too old for this shit!

I told John about it and he said "Well you've been working really hard on that." And I guess? I mean, I've actually been wondering lately if the wisdom I feel I've acquired is through the Buddhism adventure or just age. I assumed, since I hadn't heard it in so long, that we don't really talk to ourselves like that past 35 or so.

I was wrong.

To my beautiful friends:

The Buddha says the source of suffering is in the wishing of things to be different. That compassion for others starts with ourselves. That to stop beating up on the world, we must stop beating up on ourselves. The suffering you are creating for yourself is heartbreaking, so needless. The pain on your face when you tell me how ashamed you are of yourself just..oh it kills me. Really.

This is not why we're here my friends! To look in mirrors and hate what we see. It's a waste of time. You're wasting your own time. So fucking precious.

You are not faulted. You are not ugly. You are not fat. You are beautiful and hilarious and strong and I want to cry when I think of how much I love you and I want to tell you that there is peace here on this side. That you can come to count on yourself, to pat yourself on the back, to call yourself beautiful no matter what. To laugh at yourself and your mistakes and your stomach and your fucking whole huge amazing life. There is so much else to concern oneself with.

Listen to the Hixx. Listen up good.



smussyolay said...

sometimes, i say it, because i'm constantly thinking it and it's TRUE. I'm FAT. and I fucking hate it. i'll try and work on that buddha love, though.

Hixx said...

Smuss! Seriously, your self deserves all the love you give other people. Do you walk around calling other people fat? I would bet not. No matter what size they are...but yay! Buddha!

Hey Smuss, if you ever need some self love (and if you like podcasts)

Erin Shea said...

As usual, lovely. xoxo