Friday, August 02, 2013


Huh. Still hanging on to the "working so hard" thing. WHAT IS THAT?

I find myself complaining when I don't even believe what I'm complaining about! Telling friends and family things about my work and my life that I don't even believe!

You know, I've worked very hard over maybe the past year or so to not complain. My goal for myself was to not say "I'm tired." when asked how I am. To really not say it at all actually. It matters not to anyone if I'm tired or not. Right? And I think I've been pretty great at it. I don't say it much.

And honestly, thinking about it today after a nice little meditation session - my honest-to-goodness thought was "but everyone else is saying it and complaining, and they're getting pats on the backs and stuff, so I should complain so I can get that too."

Yup. That's honestly how it went in my head. If I don't tell people that my life can be a lot of work sometimes, how will they know that I need a hug or a compliment or...?

And really? John is the one responsible for this more than anyone, and John takes better care of me than anyone. After a long day, John is totally right there with a diet root beer and a beautiful dinner, so it's not like no one is noticing you know?

I've been having anxiety lately, (or maybe it's worry, the Buddhists talk about how worry is in the mind and anxiety is in the body, this feels more mind) and I wonder if this is somehow linked. And of course it's because things are really good right now...better find something to worry about!

Anyway, if I'm complaining to you, I apologize. I'm working on it. I can feel the stress of it and it's not working for me.


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