Thursday, May 16, 2013


I know, I know. I'm all self-knowledge and self-helpy over here lately. We'll talk about that another time.

But I'm fascinated by some of this and this is my latest thing:

I've been working hard on not beating up on myself right?

I've gotten really good at the "you're too fat" or "too old"  or "too whatever." I've gotten good at the physical stuff, I still think all those things, but not as often and I'm really, really fast to quiet it once I do think them.

Where I'm really stuck, are the "I should be another way" beating myself up. Like...more about action.

I worry I'm not making enough money, that my business "needs" something, that my marriage "needs" something, that John and I are "supposed" to be doing something more than we're doing. That somehow, I'm not enough.

It's weird, because it's kind of subtle isn't it? I don't call myself an asshole anymore (do you do that? So harsh, so weird) but I am constantly putting myself down in this weird, more passive way.

This doesn't really connect, but I just thought of it and it kind of connects:

I was running through Little Vietnam the other day, I like to run there because it smells like Thailand. Especially on warm mornings.

Anyway, I'm running, time of my life, beautiful day and this little, older Asian guy sees me and he kind of looks too long you know, and I see from my periph that he's kind of making fun of me, so I turn around and I see he's looking right at me, smiling and he's kind of pretending to run breathlessly.

And you know what I do?

I whip around and I give him the finger.


That's what my brain decided to do. I'm not sure what happened. My first instinct was that he was making fun of me, or being...I don't know what I thought. And as I was turning around to check and flip him off, I could tell he was smiling and it was just too late. My fingers flew up and that was that.

I couldn't believe it. If that's not beating up on my own self too you know?

I realized right away how weird and hurtful that was to both of us and I should have gone back and given him a hug. I was just too shocked by myself and my IMMEDIATE reaction.

So it's little things like that I want to break. These things that happen that hurt. You know they do. And this is what karma is. I may not have realized what I did to that guy and I may have gone on my merry way never even consciously thinking about it, but it hurt my brain and my heart whether I was aware of it or not right? And I'll carry that around with me all day.


The last Office tonight! I'm gonna cry.


Fuzzy said...

It's hard and good to recognize those moments where your anger at the man was really the anger at yourself. And now, and this is so, so much harder than recognizing it, you have to forgive yourself and let it just be a little "well, let's not do *that* again" and not a big "what an asshole I am". Because *that* feeling is what got you into the situation in the first place.

Am I the freakin' buddha or what?

Hixx said...

You are totally the Buddha. And it's funny because John said the EXACT same thing.

Can't cling to the realization and the assholness that follows either.

I think we should write a whole Buddhist text.