Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Man 2012, Get Over Yo Self

Well folks, this is just about the hardest year ever. Not the worst, not bad, just...hard.

I seriously feel like I am breaking myself down to the basics and building back up again. And there is so much FUCKING GODDAMN USELESS NOISE in my head.

Sabrina and I had a really intense evening about a week ago. We both had some issues we needed to take care of, things we were dealing with mentally, food, alcohol, damaging thoughts, etc.

We sat down over shots of Jameson, cause that's how we do - and we made oaths to each other. We spoke them loud and clear, looked each other in the eye, said our most shameful truths and then promised to help each other work on them.

It was really intense. I'll speak my intentions up and down the board, but to make an oath, with my best friend in the world in front of me, who would do anything to help me get where I'm trying to be without judging me - well, it was cool and emotional and we're both still on our paths of what we wanted.

But it's all just really hard.

And I feel luxurious that I can sit around and "work on myself." Seems so silly, people are starving Hixx.

But it's all relative right?

With John quitting his job and life decisions being made long before that and mom dying and Al dying and my birthday next week and Morocco around the corner and a list of other things I'm working on that I'm not prepared to tell you all about...

Well, it's made for some weepy times.

I told Sabrina that night that I can see so clearly the woman I want to be. I see her. She's not that far off from where I am, it's a realistic vision, not some ideal I made up in my head. It's really me there, just a little more advanced than where I am now.

And I cry and fight and push and punch to be more like her. And I get so mad that I'm crying and pushing and fighting and punching because, that's not what she needs to do. I feel weak for trying to be stronger.

But it's what I need to do. Right now. These days.

Working on so many things, but I think what I'm looking for most of all is not happiness, or contentedness or joy or pleasure or strength...

It's grace.


smussyolay said...

this is just my experience, but you don't have to look for grace -- it's already here. it's been given. and it's in my weakest, most broken moments -- the times when i'm most miserable and just ready to give up -- that i am open and willing to accept that grace. because when i still have fight in me, when i still have better ideas, well, i'm going to give it everything i can. it's when i have nothing left to give and just throw up my hands in surrender that something (grace) comes in and goes, "i've got this. i've got you. lean in to this a little." and little by little, i've come to trust this. i backslide, for sure, but i've also come to trust that this process works. i wish i didn't often have to get to the point of being on my knees before reaching up for this grace, but it's always there, always constantly the same, no matter what i am or am not doing.

that's just been my understanding/experience, though.

Hixx said...

Smuss. That was freaking beautiful and right on the money.

I love that reply. I'm going to remember this. Just beautiful.