Monday, June 04, 2012

Monday Monday

She's still here, still with us, mumbling quietly...

This is so strange, even mom said that at one point this week - she looked right at me and said "this is so queer." I knew just what she meant (please don't PC my mom, she meant it in the right way...heh).

My brothers and I, we keep trying to plan it. Mom was given 2 weeks, that was 2 weeks ago...I think...it's hard to say. I'm trying to not cancel tours and cancel tours to make more time and try and leave the next few weeks open but then that closes things off and...

you can't plan your mother's death...words of wisdom from the Hixx.

And we're all starting to get tired and worn out and maybe a little snippy, may be.

But then the only thing I want to do when I wake up is go see mom, lay her hand on my head one more time, try and get her eyes to focus on me, try to tell her I love her one more time. Two more times, three more times.

And the trick now, as we all get more tired and mom slinks away a little more, is to come at this from a place of love, not exhaustion. To reach out to my brothers and know that they have their own relationship with mom I know nothing about and to love that too. To keep approaching my job as a small escape and oasis I can retreat to instead of something getting in my way. To remember that there are a million ways to do things and a million ways to feel and that I don't know everything about everything and to stop planning.

Stop planning.

I am a planner. This is difficult.

And to remember, as a good friend said to me the other day, this is so much bigger than me and my fears and sorrows, bigger than mom and her small mercies, these are the laws of the universe, and I have to give in and be powerless against it.

And at the same time be powerful for my family and for me and for my husband and dog.

It's kind of a tug.

2 comments:

Mental P Mama said...

I am so very sorry. I hope your vigil will not be too much longer. But, I hope you have more time...

Melisa Wells said...

I can't imagine how hard this must be, but just thinking about this:

And the trick now, as we all get more tired and mom slinks away a little more, is to come at this from a place of love, not exhaustion.

makes my heart hurt for you because I think I can imagine just a fraction of that feeling and the total sum of what you're dealing with seems so, so painful. xoxoxo