Thursday, June 07, 2012

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

Another day, another night without that phone call we've all been expecting.

I wake up, amazed, mom is still here.

My brothers and I have been on high adrenaline alert for just about two months now. Every day we're told one thing and the next day mom's still here.

I can't say goodbye to her anymore, although I see a few more of those in my future.

I can't come write here anymore about my mother's death, if my mom doesn't actually die.

I impressed with her strength, I didn't know mom had it in her.

I'm impressed that she still isn't sure what's happening.

And I'm sad that I wait for her death and tired from being happy each extra day she's here.

But most of all, I'm sorry for the people around me, happy and moving forward. I can tell by their voices, they're waiting too. This is why I try to keep things private and then I open my mouth because the time is here and the time isn't here and all these people who have been loving me and supporting me have to wait one more, two more, however many days more.

And I just can't talk about it anymore, cry about it anymore....

This lil blog is on radio silence for...gosh, who knows how long, but I'll be back when it's time to write again, I'll let you all know what's up.

And as much as people say - reach out, talk about it, get hugs, etc., I think I'm going to keep this one close to the vest for a little while. I don't have to explain anything to me.

Smooches to everyone, you're all just awesome and lovely and thank you.

4 comments:

wafelenbak said...

Can I just quietly think about you while you're on radio silence?
xoxo

Mental P Mama said...

xoxo

Hixx said...

Yes Waflen, you can, i would appreciate that. Thanks you guys.

Crescent said...

Don't write if it doesn't feel good but know that you vocalizing this journey has been heart breaking but also wonderful to read. You couldn't be tiresome if you tried. Sending you love every moment.