Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Aftermath

First of all, thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful wishes. It's really nice to see. So thank you.

I'm doing pretty well actually. There's definite relief in death. Dying sucks, death is almost okay, at least in this situation. There are so many questions in the air, about mom and $ and if Al did the right thing or not, there are suspicions maybe he didn't really do the right thing....we'll see.

But GODDAMN if it hasn't helped me with some resolutions. Shit. Al had happiness, but he was not a happy or content or exciting or loving kind of man. Mom certainly had little true happiness and freedom in her life.

And I see how easy it is to find that for myself. To continue to work and make art and travel and actually LOVE my husband and my friends.

I don't want to end up sad about it all. Regretful.

It's doubled my want to work, certainly I'm still feeling a little lazy and my mind just needs to wander some...and naps are delicious, but shit, I really have to make this happen because no one will do it for me.

I'm recommitting to all kinds of things.

Guilty thoughts are getting banished, things that make me feel badly are being diminished.

I'm sure this manic-mess will lessen as I move further away from the emotional impact of this, but it feels kind of good right now. There's a path. I see it (hi Erica!) and I want to follow it.

Life is amazing.

4 comments:

Erica said...

Hi Margaret!
I am waving to you from my little path over here!
xoxo

danizzo.com said...

Hixx

So sorry for your loss, sounds like you've taken something from it - so it's not a loss as much as it's a change. Miss you terribly!

Iz

danizzo.com said...

Hixx

Immediately after reading your post, I came across this one by Roger Ebert. It's a great piece of writing, reflection, etc. and is worth a quick read.

http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2012/04/i_remember_you.html

Hixx said...

Izz, I love that. Thank you.