Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I'm in hibernation

Another slow week for me, I'm loving it. I really am.

I have a "meeting" for the Juggernaut tomorrow that I am finally prepared for. I actually have something to show tomorrow and I feel awesome about that.

I have literally been at home and cafes writing. It's neat, but I have to get over my insecurities that somehow this is not really "working" although it's the only thing driving me huge right now, so yeah, I really need to get over that.

My mom is failing. It's hard. I saw her on Sunday and she had regressed back to some immediate post-stroke symptoms that I haven't seen for 7 years.  Yes, mom has been in that bed for 7 years. And she was writhing around in the bed, completely lost mentally (she's really mad at me and my brother for STOMPING around upstairs?) and, it's just really hard.

The doctors and my brothers all know what's up. Mom's declining. Of course, we have no idea how long this will take or how it's going to go down.

All we can hope is it doesn't last forever. I can't see mom very long in this state, she hasn't really eaten for months now and the energy it takes to be as fucked up as she is...I just don't think it can last long.

So, this is hard. We've been dabbling in all these memories of Dad lately too, for the juggernaut and it just seems like a lot is going on with my family right now. And me and the past, we're not that great of friends, I'd much rather look forward than back, but life is putting me in the past and I think I need to make some peace with it.

But I don't think I'm doing all that well, cause after seeing mom on Sunday, on Monday I woke up with a horrible muscle strain in my chest and back and shoulders and I think it's a special strain with my mother's name on it.

So I'm quiet. I'm writing. I'm thinking. I'm not much for talking about it, some of my closes friends don't even really know what's up (but you guys do! Even writing this blog post makes me feel weird), I don't want people looking at me with pity or a better word, sympathy. I just want to make it through this with my joy and hope in tact.

SO! The other big event in my life of course....SURVIVOR! It starts tonight. And I'm really happy.

It's the small joys everyone.


Melisa Wells said...

I'm sorry about your mom. Seven years is a really, really long time. I can't imagine how it must be to watch a parent decline in health like that.

On your brighter note, I have complete confidence that your juggernaut is going to be GREAT. Beyond great, actually.

And another small joy (for me, anyway): I get to see you a week from Sunday! Woot!

Hixx said...

Thanks Melisa. It's at least nice to have something to work on and think about and stuff.


Flasks and tea-length dresses.

Hixx said...

I mean week from Sunday!

Mental P Mama said...

I hope your vigil isn't much longer. When my mother finally died, I think I found a lot of peace in my heart when I realized that I did love her not despite all my lists of wrongs, but because of who she really was. The best mom she could be. Your heart chakra is talking to you. Take time to breathe and let this life flow. And, no, I am not a woo woo preacher;) Just a woman with years and experience under her well.