Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Pocketbook

That's what my mom always called her purse, her pocketbook.

For those that don't know, my mom had a stroke over 6 years ago. She had it after back surgery, like, immediately after back surgery, so she never really had a chance at rehabilitation. She's paralyzed on her left side and has basically spent the past 6 years in her bed. It's a hard and depressing thing, as my mother is not the most "at peace" person, in any way.

Today I had to take her to release the last of her money, the whole thing is a nightmare.

But we went to lunch afterward and I pulled out her purse and it just breaks my heart. It's the last remnant of "mom" that I have. Her purse is a time capsule of sorts. It is her life interrupted. There are keys and receipts and a driver's license long since expired. There are notes with her handwriting on them and

Ugh.

My mother continues to be an incredibly conflicting force in my life. I'm thankful she's here and curse whatever deity there is for making her stay here, in a bed, in an old folks home, for 6 years.

So to all the caregivers out there, I don't know, I'm sorry? Get through it? This sucks? Find some peace? Live a different kind of life? Don't feel guilty about feeling guilty?

I guess just love the person as much as is possible, live your life as much as is possible and enjoy every freaking moment because you never know when someone is going to see your whole life through your pocketbook.

6 comments:

Erica said...

I am so sorry today was a rough day. This is so hard. But you are amazing. You are doing the best you can and handling things SO well. It sucks and it isn't fair and it is ok to be upset or angry or everything. You are so strong, so incredible, and you are a constant inspiration to me always.

Hang in there, sweet friend.
xoxox

Melisa with one S said...

Oh my gosh, Margaret. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

That last paragraph? Tears. I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time, and I'm sorry that your mom is struggling, too.

xoxo

Hendo said...

Holy crap, Margaret... I was just thinking about this whole subject this morning. You know the deal... I was a caretaker for someone for several years, and I never saw it coming. Worst part was that we started as a couple, and the caretaker part pretty much doomed that. I had an odd dream last night where we were together and she never got sick, and I woke up feeling really weird and sad, because that whole "what might have been" thing really kind of fucked me up.

It's hard... everything we have can be taken away so quickly. But you're right; the only way to look at it is to appreciate what you have RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Live in the present, don't dwell on the past, try not to freak out too much about the future.

Kate said...

Sending lots of love to you and your mom, Hixx. <3

Crescent said...

Man. You are strong and wise. I'm sorry for the rough times but remain proud of how much joy you find in the day to day. Love you!

Hixx said...

Thank you all for your kind words. I hate coming on here and bringing it down, but I think more and more of us are learning what it is to take care of a parent and how hard it can be.

Sometimes it's just nice to know other people are struggling with it too I guess.

You guys are a great support and thank you.