Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Pop Quiz

Well folks, Ask the Hixx is being rain-checked today due to a ripple (another one? Yeesh) in my life:

I have been let go from *one of* my part time jobs. Yes, it's true that it is the office job, the one that brought the most stability to us, the one paycheck we could count on every week, but it's also the one that paid me the least, so "the least," that it was close to me being taken advantage of.

My first thought was "good, now I can get to work"
My second thought was "don't cry, whatever happens, don't cry"

And I didn't, which is a big plus.

I consider this a test of my new non-conformity, the job that paid me the least and took up the most time and was the least interesting to me is the job I lost. Interesting right?

Right when I found out I made sure to take some deep breaths. I wanted to call someone right away, John or Sabrina or my brothers, but I literally forced myself not to. I wanted to sit with it, to feel every emotion, fear, sadness, relief...I wanted to observe myself and my feelings, see which ones were worth feeling and which ones were surface and needed to be felt and then let go (heh).

As with any layoff, even if the job was not perfect, there are feelings of "I can't do this. I'm no good at this. My god I can't even keep a part time shitty paying job." But I know better than this. The ladies I worked for are struggling every day, they did the best they could for me...I appreciate that and it goes to show that I am not incompetent. And fortunately there were feelings of relief and pleasure...I have a business I was planning on starting by November, I'm writing a show, I have my social media job that I'm WAY more interested in than an admin job. All the things I want to move forward are now the things I have time to spend on.

I want to work hard on these things.

And of course during all of this a little devil voice says "go get a job, go get a full time job" and my stomach lurches and cries at that stupid voice. The angel voice is much better "you have something that you are extremely good at, something that not man people can do...go do it"

I prefer the angel voice.

Deep breaths in full of power and art and beauty, deep breaths out of fear and anger and insecurity.


wafelenbak said...

Wow. Yes!
I'm not even going to say I'm sorry, because phooey on that.

wafelenbak said...

Wow. Yes!
I'm not even going to say I'm sorry, because phooey on that.

Hixx said...

Thanks Waflen!

alcott said...

damn. im going to say damn. cuz that is a big ouch. other than damn..my only other profound thought is: you have been 'here' before. something will open up, something will happen. the pieces will align once again. they always do. sit on your cool deck and look at the cool foliage that is turning. go back inside, look at your hot hubby..pet your puppy and think about all the good stuff. i cant wait to hear about it.

Kate said...

Good luck, Hixx! You have a great perspective on this situation ... and of course, I know how smart and funny and talented you are. This is just opening the door for (more) great things to happen!

Dan Izzo said...

You know my answer already. You've got a great talent, a great husband, a great dog, and a great life. Follow your motherfucking bliss, my friend.

smussyolay said...

can we get together next week and share a drink (well, not the same drink) and ideas and creativity? that's my ask the hixx. and my support. and my collaboration. and everything. SMUSS! VIS!

rebar said...

What Izzo said.
In spades.

DGold said...

As you told me, this will lead to bigger and better things. You're better than a crappy paying office job. The initial shock/fear will wear off....quickly. You've got dreams, baby. Big dreams. Go for it! Yes, we all need money but we also need to be happy. Go find the happy! And I love you and am always here if you want to chat.

Erica said...

You have something that you are extremely good at, something that not many people can do...go do it.

Hixx said...

Thank you so much you guys for all of the support and love! I can't tell you how great it is to hear how much we all support each other!