Well folks, Ask the Hixx is being rain-checked today due to a ripple (another one? Yeesh) in my life:
I have been let go from *one of* my part time jobs. Yes, it's true that it is the office job, the one that brought the most stability to us, the one paycheck we could count on every week, but it's also the one that paid me the least, so "the least," that it was close to me being taken advantage of.
My first thought was "good, now I can get to work"
My second thought was "don't cry, whatever happens, don't cry"
And I didn't, which is a big plus.
I consider this a test of my new non-conformity, the job that paid me the least and took up the most time and was the least interesting to me is the job I lost. Interesting right?
Right when I found out I made sure to take some deep breaths. I wanted to call someone right away, John or Sabrina or my brothers, but I literally forced myself not to. I wanted to sit with it, to feel every emotion, fear, sadness, relief...I wanted to observe myself and my feelings, see which ones were worth feeling and which ones were surface and needed to be felt and then let go (heh).
As with any layoff, even if the job was not perfect, there are feelings of "I can't do this. I'm no good at this. My god I can't even keep a part time shitty paying job." But I know better than this. The ladies I worked for are struggling every day, they did the best they could for me...I appreciate that and it goes to show that I am not incompetent. And fortunately there were feelings of relief and pleasure...I have a business I was planning on starting by November, I'm writing a show, I have my social media job that I'm WAY more interested in than an admin job. All the things I want to move forward are now the things I have time to spend on.
I want to work hard on these things.
And of course during all of this a little devil voice says "go get a job, go get a full time job" and my stomach lurches and cries at that stupid voice. The angel voice is much better "you have something that you are extremely good at, something that not man people can do...go do it"
I prefer the angel voice.
Deep breaths in full of power and art and beauty, deep breaths out of fear and anger and insecurity.