On Sunday John and I celebrate our year anniversary together. And what a year it's been:
I originally started a list of everything that has happened to us in this past year, but it seems so silly, or not quite poignant enough in some way.
What has happened to us in our first year of marriage is so heartbreaking, so enthralling, so exciting, so depressing, as to cover each and every emotion that has ever existed. There have been some tough days, the ones that stand out are before we left for Thailand, those months of December, January and February where we were literally stuck in the house each and every day, with no money, no jobs and only the lure of Bangkok to keep us going. Those were hopeless days, truly fearful days and I'm relieved that they're over for good.
There have been high points, Thailand of course being the highest. I go back to those days so often. They make me cry. The joy of feeling powerful and in control, the joy of losing control. The joy of doing something that I know in my heart is most meaningful to me, spending all that time with John, seeing a world that doesn't rely on rent and insurance companies, but trees and people and elephants. I find it very difficult to put into words what traveling means to me, mostly because I start to tear up and can't type with the mountains of tear drops on my keyboard. It is the joy of non-conformity, and conformity and comparison seem to be where I get myself all messed up.
The months immediately following Thailand were good, we were feeling better, more powerful again, we decided to create not consume, and we followed through, John creating THEMS, me creating the 2nd City tour, we were back on track, we were creating a life more fitting for us to lead, we were determined to change the way our lives were led and we were doing it.
And now, honestly, it's back to the low points. John still struggles to find a job, I still struggle with the fact that we're right back to it, stuck trying to make ourselves fit into some kind of pre-fabricated life I think we're supposed to lead. We're so broke we have no idea how we're going to pay rent in October and there are lots of little envelopes sitting on my desk at home, unopened, my fear getting the better of me rather than trying to face up to what we owe.
I can't help but think there's another way for me and my handsome husband, that we keep trying to fit into a round hole when we're the squarest pegs around. My brain searches and leaps with ideas on how to get us out of this.
But there is this one thing that I do know. I love John with all of my heart. Even though this year has been full of heartache and hard times there are afternoons I race home on my bike because really, John is the only one I want to talk to. I will admit that it is hard to celebrate our first year of marriage (I'm being really honest here folks) because truly, it's been a fairly shitty first year. But what I can celebrate is how we have loved each other, how we have stood fast for each other, how we have made each other laugh and cry and the wishes and dreams we have for our second year. How "this too shall pass" and how we are due for something fantastic together.
I think about where we were last year, so happy and free with tons of money in our bank account. I think that that is really what we thought it was going to be like forever, maybe in some weird way it's good we got this reality check now, maybe it's good we didn't have it all easy-peasy right away, because if we can love each other through what we have been through now, we can love each other through anything. The worst is over, the only direction left for us is up, I'm looking forward to it.