For the past few months, well, probably longer than that, I have been seeing John and myself, individually and as a couple, as...pathetic victims of a cruel world we don't fit into.
It stems from a family myth I think, I've talked a lot about personal myths we have about ourselves, myths that we see as absolute truths. My family always talks about how collectively poor we are, how we're "not good" at relationships, how messed up we are, how we like to be alone. I have those, and I have my own...I'm clumsy, not athletic, that I'm lazy, I'm not good at numbers...you know these myths..blah blah.
Well, I somehow managed to put John and myself as a couple into this myth - we don't fit, finding our way is going to be hard, everyone has it easier than us which means we're doing something wrong, we're bad with money, we're bad with responsibility, everyone else has it all figured out and John and I are here on the outside, pawing at the window because we want to play with the big kids too.
The whole world is laid out before us. We can have everything we want. We can make money, there is more money in the universe than we will ever need. We can take this secret "trip of a lifetime" that is currently motivating us to move forward. We deserve everything we will receive and we deserve everything we have now.
It has been a hard first year of marriage, there's no denying that, and in many ways I'm incredibly proud of the way John and I have handled the hard times, as he put it the other night - we have laughed off problems other people would have fallen apart over.
But I'm tired of asking "where's mine," I'm tired of being afraid each and every day. I'm tired of battling feelings of inadequacy and failure and victimization. John and I are a strong, creative, hilarious and loving couple with plenty of ambition to get us where we need to go.
I make my fucking destiny.
And I will do it with swear words.