I'm starting to get used to it, to saying it, to thinking it. I still slip every once in awhile and call John my boyfriend, but I like to think that he is still my boyfriend.
You know, it's been a very weird six months of marriage. John and I have had so many bleak days. I think about those weeks before Thailand, when every day was cold and dreary, we had no money to go out, we were so confused about what to do. We spent every day together, all day, inside, wondering how it was we were going to get out of this mess. "Honeymoon period" seemed silly, that was the last thing we were doing...just enjoying our marriage, we didn't have space for that in our lives, we were figuring out how to make it through each day.
And although things are still so confusing and each day holds the possibility of being awesome or horrible, at least we have gotten ourselves to the point where at least the possibility of awesome exists.
I credit him so much for us making it through to this point. John is incredibly strong and incredibly optimistic. He has his bad days too, but much like it was in Thailand, on the days when I just can't take it anymore, he steps in, gives me a hug, does his George Bush impression and reminds me of how lucky we really are.
He is so supportive of me. He honestly doesn't care what path I take as long as the path I take makes me happy. There is no pressure and it means so much freedom to be who I am and do what I want, I never have to second guess if John will stand behind me, he always will.
We were talking last night about whether being married feels different from not being married. John and I were together a long time before we ever said our vows and in some ways, there really are no differences, we learned to love and respect each other a long time ago, some words said on a boat don't change that.
But what does feel different is really seeing ourselves as a team, as a family, as a unit. Some days this makes me nervous, I'm not going to lie. I tend to be a pretty independent woman and sometimes think it might be easier if I only had myself to worry about.
But then I come home some day, to a pile of bills and an empty bank account and John is there with a smile and a calm demeanor. He'll make me some mac and cheese when I know he doesn't want it himself, he'll let me watch Idol when I know he has no interest and then he'll do the ultimate, he'll watch it with me because he knows I don't feel like sitting alone. And then I know that there is no way I'd be better of on my own.
My husband is brave and strong and awesome. I hope I can be the same for him.