Okay, this is a wedding entry today.
Just a warning.
So okay, we’re looking at about 5 ½ months away and I feel confident about some things and massively defeated in others, but I figure that’s all par for the course and this is the way we play the game and so be it.
After checking my “what you should be doing now” list I feel pretty good about where we stand. If I start thinking too much about it I feel my chest tighten (we need to register, but we don’t want to register, what do you do if you don’t want to register, should we have people donate to something, why would people donate to something rather than donate to our honeymoon we can’t afford without donations, can you ask people to donate to a honeymoon, the knot.com says you can but I think that feels cheap, we need to get passports for the honeymoon we can’t afford unless we ask people to donate to it and even if we ask people to do that we still need to register for something…and this is all just one topic, don’t get me started on dresses, or food, or flowers…). So I try to just sort of think of one thing at a time and remember that this is not brain surgery but a wedding and all I’m doing is planning a party for me and 150 of my closest friends. Sigh.
Anyway, I’m opening up to enjoying more of this whole wedding scenario, John’s aunts (they are the best) asked if they could throw me a shower, which I love, of course. They asked me if I wanted it girly or alternative (I think they’re starting to understand me a bit) and I said “LETS GIRLY IT UP!!” Which is fun. So…yeah, I’m getting better about not being an old wedding curmudgeon.
But now that things are going out and plans are public, there are just a few rumblings because honestly, if you’re an out-of-towner this is not the cheapest wedding to attend and I’m feeling the first tugs of trying to please everyone, which I’m really trying to not listen to, because I can’t, but I still need to figure some things out and what it all really comes down to in every way is:
I miss my mom. I wish my mom was well and normal and fine.
I just can’t help it. I’m an independent girl and I like to do things my own way, but this whole thing should be being planned with my mom. And it just can’t. Trust me. There are little things I can ask her help on, but if it’s even mildly complicated or weird, she just can’t grab ahold of it, or she grabs hold of something and never lets go and it’s just too hard. And she wants to help, of course she does, but it’s gotten to the point now where I have to tell her in no uncertain terms that I’m taking care of it.
And see, she could help me with my questions and she could help me buy a dress and she could help navigate the niceties and manners and she could help me make phone calls and she could help me figure out about honeymoons and she could help me pick out music and flowers and colors and just help me…but she can’t.
I just miss her. I know there are a lot of friends and family that will help me with anything I need, I get that, its not that I feel alone and whatever (John himself is amazing as always) but it’s just not the same as having your mom there.
I know I’m a big ole grown woman who knows how to handle all these things, and that the answer is do what is right for me and John, but sometimes, a girl just needs her mom.
And luckily, I still have mine, I just, for today; wish things were a little bit different.
4 comments:
huh. i'm sorry, hixx. i don't know if i'll ever be in the position to get married. i hope to, someday. and i know that my mom isn't in the same place your mom is, but i can't imagine doing the things with my mom that you are talking about with your mom. but i understand the desire, the want, the need. i do. just sometimes wanting to have a 'normal' mom. the kind of mom other people talk about. the combo of confidante, advisor, comforter and in adulthood, friend. not someone you spend more time worrying about and deciding how to handle ... someone who you love beyond measure and have forgiven for her failings, for now you understand that she really *was* doing the best she could ... given the fact that you're as old as you are and still can't imagine raising a kid yet.
but i get it. just to be able to lean on your mom and let her be a little june cleaver or even better -- claire huxtable or elyse keaton.
p.s. if you don't really need much, DEFINTELY register for your honeymoon, honey!!
You should register. Even if it's at Target(mine was). Get yourself some mops, or table saws, whatever. The guests that are going to give you $$ will give it regardless, and the ones that won't will give you crap.(I still have John's rest-stop salt/pepper shakers!) If you don't register, you're asking people to make a judgement call on what you need, and as I think we all know, most people are dumb.
Not only dumb, but have poor taste or taste MUCH different than your own. You do know you can register for video games, stuff for the pup, etc., right? Make it fun! Better to get stuff you like than ugly crap that will either (a) have to be returned or (b) will sit in a pile collecting dust.
Thanks you guys for all your advice, we are going to register on Sunday (BED BATH AND BEYOND HERE WE COME) and I'm excited. This is fun, we shall enjoy it I'm sure.
And by the by, mom came up with a great idea for us, so all is not lost...
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