Wednesday, December 05, 2007


Ack. You know, I don’t know if it’s the whole not smoking scenario, or the not being able to fit into my pants, or my cute skirt scenario, but man oh geesebus am I in a foul mood today.

You know what? I’m going to vent my ass off right now.

Okay, company Christmas party tonight. The book was supposed to be “unveiled” tonight, but um…no, that’s not happening. So, that makes today a lot less fun.

I’m running so hard and gaining weight. I can’t even believe it. I honestly can almost not fit into my fat pants. That is depressing.

I don’t want a cigarette at all, but something inside me wants one. That’s stupid and I hate it.

It’s snowing and I’m supposed to be wearing something cute tonight for the party. That’s stupid too. Oh my gosh I’ll look so cute in my four year old’s skirt and my snow boots.

Rudolph didn’t fucking tape.

Drinking is no fun if I’m not smoking. And I’m not even saying this just to vent, I mean it. What’s the fucking point then? And you know what? Lots of things aren’t as fun if you’re not drinking.

The above statement is totally not true and I know it, but it feels true. (Well, the part about me not wanting to drink is true, the part about things not being as fun if you’re not drinking is not true, kay.)

I’m tired of monitoring myself all the time; eating, smoking…can’t I just do something that I want?

I have to go to stupid dinner on Friday by myself out in the suburbs with my moms friends. Yup. I said it.

Since quitting smoking about the only thing I want to do in the whole world is go home. And the worst part of it is? I’m tired of home.

I can’t even run outside now that it’s snowing. I’m a spaz, how am I supposed to run in this? I’m going to have to put screws in my shoe.

I really want to be in a better mood, I really do, but these past couple of days have been kicking my ass.

I have so many things to “buy” and so many people who want my money.

Everyone else seems so happy and motivated and doing stuff and I’m like a big giant fucking bug on a big giant fucking log watching big giant fucking TV cause I’m lazy and fat.

Wow, okay, that last one even surprised me…

So yeah, do I feel better? Meh.

Maybe tomorrow right? Maybe tomorrow….


rachelleb said...

I hear ya on a lot of these! I had my own major meltdown last night. Someone to listen and some really bigs hugs helped a lot and I'm positive John is there to do that for you!

Higgins. said...

I taped Rudolph. You can come over and watch it if you want. While you're there, babysit my kids.

Hixx said...

You guys are the best.

Damn you Higgins.

smussyolay said...

i notice that the blog before this you ran six miles! that's so huge. but, i'm with you. and i'm feeling fat and not even doing ANYthing about it. so, how's that for lame?

you are rocking it, girl. you're running and doing something to improve yourself even if it feels plateau-y right now, and the smoking thing is a really big deal. YAY!