Sigh. Okay, everything that I’m going to say below this paragraph is full of shit. I know this, I realize this and I hope that one of these days it will actually sink in and manage to lift my currently low and annoying spirits to those of Ebeneezer on Christmas Day. Mkay?
Quitting smoking is awful.
How can it be that doing something SO GOOD can feel so extremely shitty? Right now I’m sick, my throat hurts so much and so consistently I can’t even tell you. I wake up each morning and I think “today maybe?” Nope, not today. Still feeling shitty today. I know you’re all right and its my body clearing itself out, I had my first of I’m sure many coughing in the sinks this morning, spitting out brown shit for a good five minutes, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I feel shitty. Physically shitty. My nose is running, I’m getting stuffy headaches. Blech.
I’m almost back to the weight I was when I started all this running bullshit almost a year ago. That’s just great. Do something great! Gain weight! Oh my gosh its going to be so much fun I swear! WOW. This sure helps me feel delicious and sexy and put together and fabulous! It is so fun to not be able to wear the new clothes you just got. Seriously. SO fun.
My moods stink. I can go from fine one minute to truly angry and upset the next. It really makes me feel like an asshole. I mean, I’m an emotional girl, but I like to think I’m pretty good at keeping those emotions in check, but not anymore! HEY, guess what the best part of the moodiness is? Guess who gets it the most? The one who loves you the most and lives with you and tries to make you feel better! Isn’t that GREAT? It REALLY helps make me feel better to abuse my boyfriend. Really, love it.
So I’m a big, fat, moody, sick and annoying woman at this point.
I’m thinking meditation. Anyone out there meditate? For real? Any advice on where to look, what to read, how to start?
Also, I haven’t been able to run outside since that 6 mile run a week and a half ago, guess when I started feeling really shitty? Coincidence? Probably not, hopefully I can go out tonight.
Those little fucking cancer sticks, I’m gonna kill them for this. I swear to Christ.
4 comments:
Honey you are just sick. I never coughed up brown stuff and think I even smoked more than you did. I would get to a doc and get some meds for that maybe.
Also take it easy on yourself. You ARE doing great things. I gained sooooo much weight when I quit (not helping I know) but you are still healthier. Trust that. Your skin and cells and lungs are all better off already.
Meditation is a great idea. I try to take a second on the train every morning and say "take control of the things you can and let go of the things you can't." totally gayballs but it works. for me at least.
Hang in there and just try and rest and get better. Being sick on TOP of making huge changes is sooooo tough.
Thanks Crescent, you rule.
I do think though the spitting up of unsavory things is pretty standard. Otherwise I would be worried.
And I smoked a pack a day for 20 years...that seems like plenty.
But thank you. it's all gonna get better right? Right.
pema chodron has written some great buddhist books in general. one i'm reading right now is called 'the places that scare you.' interesting stuff ...
however, as far as meditation goes, i've been told it's a practice, and so we need to *practice!* that i'm not going to get it right right at first. there are guided meditation tapes (transitions is a good place), and something i find helpful is setting a timer. five minutes is a good place to start, but you might start with two.
you just sit. you can count breaths (in and out). you can breath in light and out stress. you can just sit and as thoughts/emotions pass through your head/body, you can acknowledge them as thoughts "thinking" and let them pass through.
it's definitely a practice of trying to tame "monkey mind." it's hard as hell, and i hardly ever manage to get any good time in. it's also been suggested to me that i do it the same time every day. i'm BAD at following suggestions. :/
Oh whoa. You did smoke more than I did. Okay so brown stuff normal again. But you are sick so just pamper yourself and know that your body is heading in a great direction. I swear.
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