Ain't Just A River in Egypt

Ugh.

What do you say on a day like today? There are questions all over the blogosphere about how to commemorate today.

I would like to too. I don’t want to pass up the day and say nothing about September 11. It isn’t a regular day today, it just isn’t.

I’m one of those annoying people, for the first few years I wore my pretty American Flag shirt to work, I don’t do that anymore.

Also for the first few years I would send around an email telling my family and friends that I loved them. I don’t do that anymore either (well I do. But not specifically for today).

I watched one of the 9/11 shows last night, about how the buildings came down. What in them caused it to fall like that, the shitty fireproofing, the unstable floors, etc. I hate to say it, but I like to be reminded of the day, the shock of those airplanes, the anger I felt, I’ve never been so angry.

And since denial is my very best friend—we are very close—sometimes I feel like I need to see again, otherwise its pushed all the way down to my tummy, and never thought of until some quiet moment when I have my thoughts to myself and they happen to drift towards that day.

So sometimes I force it, and I force myself to watch. It doesn’t take long till I feel the weight of it (truthfully every day, a bit less anger, a bit less shock), and then I can look away again, and push it down to that faraway place in my tummy that holds Mom’s stroke, 9/11, my father’s unhappiness, and guilt and shame for whatever it is I may have done in the past.

I guess in a way, today I emerge, take a look around me, feel the anger and the shock again, wonder why we didn’t all do something when they blew up those Buddha’s, and wonder how our current president ruined everything with his squinty eyes and faulty logic.

So pardon my delving into emotional mish-mash, playing into the drama, letting the “terrorists” win. But seriously, don’t worry about me, tomorrow is just another day.