Monday, August 28, 2006

I choose to accept it

Dear Tom Cruise (but not Katie, although, she can read this if she wants, it’s not really private):

My name is Margaret Hicks and I am a fan of yours.

No really, I mean it, this isn’t a joke and I’m not going to come down on you, I promise.

And I also want you to know that I don’t “like” like you. I just like you. But I’d rather "do it" with Heath Ledger, so I’m not just doing this to butter you up, I promise. There’s a lot of people I’d rather “do it” with than you, just so you know.

Certainly I have enjoyed your work as far back as The Outsiders. Your large nose and crooked teeth hadn’t been properly fixed yet, and no one could have guessed what a star you would become.

And sure, Risky Business is a movie everyone loves, I do too. Even if I am bored by it now, but then, well you sure were a star. Quite charming, even in your underpants.

And I really started to understand “The Cruise” as I like to call you, during your Top Guns, your Cocktails, etc. Rain Man let us know that you could actually act, and we appreciated it.

But it wasn’t until one of my favorite movies, Jerry McGuire, that I really realized how much I enjoy your movies. Jerry McGuire could not have been cast with anyone else. You were so that guy, and so emotional! When you’re crying writing your manifesto, really, to see The Cruise cry is emotional for all of us truly. So good. Now the Lestat stuff was kinda dumb, and Eyes Wide Shut was horrible, but you’re allowed, everyone does something stupid with their new spouse, even if you are gay, you’re allowed to make a bad movie with your wife, everyone’s done it. It’s cool with me.

Then, oh god then it all really happened for me and for you. Mission Impossible. Another one of my favorite movies of all time. Me and my friend Christy ran around Bangkok Thailand, in and out of mushroom bars, singing the theme song and shooting each other. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun watching a movie in my whole life. You are the perfect Ethan Hunt and I love you for it.

Then, how much fun were you in Magnolia? Minority Report? Fun!

Things might get stupid, I mean…War of the Worlds? But that wasn’t your fault. You were cast so well you were miscast, and that’s okay. The movie was worse than you were, it wasn’t your fault. Same with MI-2, John Woo fucked up that movie, not you, your Ethan Hunt was still right on the money my friend. MI-3? Same story, JJ’s starting to lose it now, not your fault. Vanilla Sky? Sucked it, but again, you are not to blame, I truly blame Cameron Crowe for that, getting me all excited after Jerry McGuire and then letting me down. It’s like letting me have sex with Heath Ledger once, and then telling me I can do it again, but out comes Russell Crowe.

I digress.

And then it all happened, Katie, the couch, the baby, Brooke Shields…the influx of Scientology.

Keep not worrying, I’m not going to yell at you.

And it all kinda got nuts right? So did you a little right? And you know what? I think its okay. I think lots of people go nuts, and they don’t get banished like you have been. You were just in love right? And that can do silly things to someone.

And I don’t care if you’re in a cult; I just like your movies, a lot. I’m sorry about Paramount, it’s their loss seriously, MI-4 ain’t gonna be nothing without you. It’s really not; no one can replace your Ethan.

I hope your baby Suri is okay, some people are saying maybe she’s retarded or something, that’s why you’re not showing her for millions of dollars. But I hope she’s alright, and you know what? Do what you have to do for your religion, its no weirder to me than whats-his-name finding all those Mormon Tablets on a hill and he’s the only one that can decipher them so he gets to say what all the tenants are.

Go on with your bad self Mr. Cruise. I will continue to pay upwards of 10$ to see your movies, because…because…

Because…

Well, because I enjoy your movies immensely.

Thank you,

Margaret Hicks.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all your kind words. Katie and I need friends like you during times like this. Oh and Suri too. I LOVE Suri so much. Oh!

Hixx said...

Awesome.