Quilt

Well, due to the excellentness that I continue on about in reference to my new job. I will be leaving the office in just a few moments, for a completely unexpected afternoon off. I swear, I got so lucky with this job. No, not lucky, it’s what I deserve. But still. I’m lucky.

But I was thinking about something last night. And I’ve talked before about how I don’t want my blog to be about my quitting smoking. It’s just that quitting leads to self searching. I have a lot to think about and a lot to question myself on it all leads to small and large discoveries about myself.

Today’s lesson, is guilt. (I typed quilt, which is also a VERY big lesson to learn today). But I love guilt, I can eat up guilt with a spoon. I feel guilty all the time about lots of things. Guilt is one of my go-to icky emotions (along with jealousy, poor John) that is empty and gross and serves me no purpose but to make me upset.

Smoking was a grand way to feel massive amounts of guilt. And it’s bizarre to let go of it. There are times, when I feel my mind go to my guilt and pull out one of a million things to be guilty for, like a woman shopping for scarves and pulling out a couple of them and laying which ones she likes on the counter. That’s how I am, I have a few I can always choose from and then I can pick which one fits the occasion.

Smoking is a very popular one. I love to feel guilty about my smoking. And last night, I’m sitting on the couch, enjoying a perfectly innocent episode of Survivor and when my mind is at rest and peace, well that’s not okay, so I look for my guilt. And I pulled up smoking. And it was so weird. It was so weird to think, oh man, this is one huge guilt piece I never have to play again. It was very odd. In my demented mind I almost missed it. Was almost sad that that huge excuse is gone. Now it makes the underlying dysfunction, that I just feel guilty cause I’m a horrible person, seem so much more obvious and crass.

With the quitting comes larger issues I want to resolve. Things I’m noticing I need to work on and fix, but to have that huge piece gone is so odd.

Alright, enough of this, I get to go now. Weekend in Wisconsin with John’s family and baby Lauren. I’m going to whip John’s butt in Cribbage.