Okay, so I said my blog would not be about me defeating addiction. And it won’t be, hopefully. But I gotta say.
Today is killing me.
I think for the first few days you’re on the adrenaline high of quitting. I wanted to so badly get past the physical withdrawal, that I could handle the mental, once I knew the physical was definitely done.
And I did it. No cheating. (I’ve always cheated in past attempts, always had at least one a day). So now I’m on day 4. And I think this is what Izzo was trying to warn me of. It’s when the newness of quitting wears off, the push to quit wears off.
And I wanna quit, I will quit, I will quit this very time in fact. BUT OH MY GOD DO I WANT A CIGARETTE SO BADLY. And I know all the arguments, I know, I know. Doesn’t matter. They even say on all the smoking sites, just wait till the craving passes. No craving lasts more than 5 minutes.
This one was with me as soon as I woke up and has been with me all day. I’ve wanted to smoke ALL DAY.
My favorite line my mind has told me is “Man, having a cigarette sure would help me quit”!! That one cracks me up. I’m trying to see the humor, not take myself too seriously, know myself better than other people know themselves, know the lies I tell myself, and I do know them, I just don’t care.
Poor John, he wants a night out tonight, a night out with friends and his lady at the bar. I can’t do it. I would smoke 80,000 cigarettes. I know I would. Every quitter in the world, every site, every piece of advice…do not go to bars, do not drink in at least the first 2 weeks. Part of me wants to give in to John, tell him I’d love to go out tonight. Then I could smoke!
When I came back from lunch (lunch was a huge battle, thank god for food) I walked by the ashtray with about 10 half butts in them. It took everything in my power to not take one and smoke it. I swear to god. Take someone else’s cigarette out of the ashtray and smoke it.
Addiction is fascinating. My own addiction is fascinating. I know I can do this. I know this is the time for me. I’m so strong right now. I’m at the gym almost every day. I want this more than anything truly.
But golddang, just one more cigarette would make quitting so much easier.
3 comments:
Hang in there, Peg. I'm proud of you. Your strokey mom and cancer dad would be happy too!
I'm on day 4 and it's hell. Today I lingered outside a store that I know sells cigarettes cheap, then forced myself to move on. I think the hardest thing for me is that a cigarette is my constant reward for getting done with a task--something to look forward to. Now life at the end of the day feels empty. Stupid, huh?
I swear it gets better. It truly does. Day 9 and I"m still going.
The reward I set for myself (I'm VERY reward oriented) is that I got to eat whatever I wanted the first week. I could have McDonalds every day if I so chose. I didn't, but I could have, and that helped. I literally would struggle until my next meal so I could have my reward.
Much better already, want to eat better and take care of myself. It all comes back around.
What I'm trying to say is...new rewards.
Good luck, we'll all get there.
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