To the little tiny one I'll meet around June 13.

No no no, it’s not me, no worries.

But it is someone I know, and someone I love and someone who hasn’t told everyone yet, so I don’t want to let proverbial cats out of bags.

So anyway…

Dear funny little baby,

Well, first of all, I can’t wait to meet you. I’m kind of hoping you’re a little girl, just to spite your daddy who loves to torment little girls, and big ones for that matter.

Let’s talk about your dad. He has a way of putting things, that no one else in the world can do. He can give you the straight dope (hee hee) when no one else can. When you ask him a question that no one else has been able to answer, he can answer it. And even though your dad might be harsh sometimes (it’s hard to answer questions that no one else can answer, remember this) he’s only harsh because he loves you. Sounds cliché I know, but it’s the truth as far as he’s concerned. He expects a lot from the people he loves, but it truly comes from a place of believing that said person can do more, can be more. He’s no bullshitter, there’s very little bullshit involved with your dad, he has some kind of filter that doesn’t allow it to get through, except when he’s doing it on purpose, then it’s hilarious.

Your dad can make me laugh harder than almost everyone. He has made me pee my pants, literally, from laughing so hard. Some of my greatest moments of my whole life have been in the presence of your dad and directly influenced by him. You have a lot to look forward to little one.

And your mom. Oh my Christ. Where do I start with your mom? She’s down to earth yet totally wound up. She’s hilariously bad, with the sweetest heart. She’s lovely to look at, until she decides not to be. She can whip your dad around better than anyone I’ve ever known and I’ve seen people try to whip your dad around, trust me. Your mom has one of the strangest minds I’ve ever known, saying what no one else will say, but in such a way that you cannot help but be amazed and blow milk out your nose while pretending to be half offended. She’s humble, but she knows things. A compliment from your mom means more than almost anyone else’s. You know she wouldn’t say it unless she meant it, and you know she has the good taste to to notice the right things.

The one thing you are going to be, is one of the oddest people I have ever known, in the most wonderful way. A product of the two strangest, most wonderful people who love each other in such a way, that their relationship is something to aim for. You are a lucky little thing and I can’t wait to meet you.

Hurry.