Z Force

So, I had to break up with a friend of mine.

I’ve broken up with one other friend before, and I had to do it again.

It’s such a weird thing, and makes me question myself a lot.

I’m working these days, on taking care of myself. On trying to let the last crazy 6 months of my life settle in. On being quiet, on being lazy, on letting things be, on concentrating on the things that matter, and letting go the things that don’t.

And it’s not that this friend didn’t matter. He did, he does. But he’s crazy. He’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever known in my whole life. He’s brilliant and passionate, and crazy.

He’s a rollercoaster and I’ve been on the ride for a few years now. I’ve been up and down with this kid. And it’s been fun mostly, seeing someone else’s ups and downs is fascinating, but his are so up and so down. And manic. It’s all really manic, and you (I) can sense it when it’s starts getting out of control. The last time it got out of control he got thrown in jail. And that’s not even when I had to break up with him, I did it when he got out. Because he was even crazier out, than he was when he went in. He seemed meaner, the roller coaster was all over the place, not even on the tracks anymore.

And because I had stuck around, stuck it out for what I think are mainly selfish reasons of trying to make my life more interesting, I got yelled at. I got meanly teased and beared the brunt of the ride, in the front car, all by myself.

So…I got off the ride. It’s all or nothing with this guy, and I chose nothing. I couldn’t choose all, I have my own things to deal with.

But it’s weird, and hard and I hope I don’t regret it. I don’t think I will though, I think I’m just mourning a friendship.