Downer time, sorta

I feel hatred today.

It’s sort of an odd feeling. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt it before.

I mean, I think I hate Osama Bin Laden, at least I did when he did what he did. But that’s the closest I’ve ever come I think, to hating.

But this is different, because this is someone I know, a part of my life. Someone I might have to deal with from here on in. Although I’m hoping not.

I thought there would be more guilt involved. I thought I would feel badly about hating, but apparently, I don’t. I thought I would feel more…evil, like Anakin, once I felt the darkside I would succumb to it kinda thing.

I thought the word would stick on my tongue more, making it harder to say. I will admit, when I say it, it sounds weird. I say “I hate” things a lot, but I don’t mean it. When I say that I hate this man (and by the by, for anyone worrying right now, it is NOT John! Him? I love. ), it rolls off the tongue quite easily, but it does sound odd, like offkey.

I thought I was too good of a person to feel it. I’ve always believed that I have a big heart, that can always see the human side to everyone. That I can always find compassion in anyone, even Bin Laden, if I struggled to see what side he was coming from. But I’ve seen the compassion, I’ve felt for this man, and I’ve done my best to be peaceful, to attempt it, to achieve it and I cannot.

Will I feel hatred tomorrow? Probably not, anger yes..forever, but maybe not hatred. Today I feel it and I’m going to make sure and talk to him before it goes away. So that he knows the full force of the emotion that I’m feeling, that it sticks in his heart and his soul and he never forgets ever, that at least for a day, I hated him.

Now, to keep from getting darksided, I will move on.

By the time I write in here next, we will all know who won Survivor. I predicted right last time and this time I predict…IAN! He is also my fantasy survivor MVP, so if he wins I may move up from the extreme bottom of the pack.

Tomorrow I do my last “test tour” and then I am full fledged docent. And that is awesome.

Besides that I will search my soul for happiness, love and kindness and I will bestow all those things on the people in my life that deserve them and appreciate them.

Done and done.