Committed

Ahhh...what a word. Scary yet wanted all at the same time.

My parents are moving out of their house, a big beautiful house on the ocean in Maine. They're moving into a smaller place for now and then looking to move into a "retirement" home. Now I have no problem with that, in fact I would like to go live in one. I think we should all get to do that, but I digress.

They've had a hard time committing to this decision, it's been changed a gajillion times and finally a plan was decided on and whether it is the right plan or not, they've committed to this plan. I believe it will work because they have committed to it and even though parts of it bug me, the fact that they've just decided makes me feel better.

My brother is having a hard time committing. He's met a girl, she's awesome, but there are two major obstacles in the way. One being the fact this girl lives in a completely different state. He likes her, he says he might love her, but he can't commit.

I've decided that I'm committed to my love. It hit me right before Christmas, I've been spending most of my time trying to figure out how to get more time alone. Loving him for letting me be alone when I need to. And right before Christmas, it hit me...I don't want to be alone, I've spent years alone, I'm done being alone. Being with him is a step up from being alone, because I can still be me, but I get his warm strong body next to mine. I want to be with him, near him, around him. I think we're going to move in together in May. And instead of dreading and fearing it, I can't wait. I can't wait to start, to start building something together, a home.

What is it? What is that moment at the time of decision? At the time of realization? Why is committing to something the scariest thing in the world when we spend way too much time trying to make the decision at all? That the waiting and waffling is way more scary than the actual commitment? And that flicker, that knowledge when you know something is right, or at least just know that this is the next step. It fascinates me, mine and others abilities to make an actual decision. But then, I'm trying to learn as well, once the decision has been made it is important to stick by it. To stand by your words and follow through on the decision you made. And THAT to me is the scariest thing, it's not the decision that's scary, it's the ability to be true to it afterwards.

Someone should have me committed.