Tuesday, July 03, 2012


I woke up this morning feeling pretty dark. My instinct is to fall deep into it, no matter what it is.

With all this sort of mental, calming work I'm doing, the work obviously comes in trying to not sink into it, to feel it, to figure out what games my mind is playing and get to the heart of it. To take some deep breaths and really feel what it is, instead of just assuming it's too hot, or John did something, or work or whatever.

The closest I can figure out is lil mom.

Mom loved the 4th of July. When we were kids this was THE holiday. We'd play all day, fireworks, food, friends.

I also love the 4th of July. I like a summer holiday. I like an American holiday. I'm pretty patriotic when it comes down it it, romantically and naively so.

The 4th when mom was alive was tough post-stroke. I'd get up early on the 4th to go see her, to make sure she had a visitor. Then I'd race home to do something fun, something clearly that could never live up to everything I had laid down for the day.

Today I'm really sad.

I don't miss mom, it's still not that. But I'm sad for her and all her missing 4ths. I'm sad for me because there is nothing in the world that can live up to what I see in my 4th future.

I'm tired, my groin hurts, it's hot, I can't exercise, we don't have enough money, there are no easy fireworks to see, we've eaten at every restaurant that's ever existed, I have so much work to do, I have not nearly enough work to do, it's so hot, I have a tour, I don't have a tour.

Yeah, me, not that easy to deal with today and my guess is tomorrow.

But I'm going to try, I'm going to breathe, I'm going to stretch, I'm going to try and relax it because my mood affects the people around me and makes them all anxious when they feel my anxiety.

It's easy to feel good on a good day, the work comes in finding goodness in the bad ones.

Happy 4th momma, the fireworks up there must be something.

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