Lessons learned, and learning

Alright, so pardon my non-posting yesterday, I was um…lost.

So okay, I have a lot to sort out in my own brain, so this post might be a little all over the place.

But essentially it’s about the life lessons we’re all trying to learn all the time.

But one of my big ones is to TALK TO JOHN when upset. And you know what? Although I still need to learn this lesson, omg I’ve learned it so much better. This weekend was rough, we tried to make it okay, but losing one’s job a month before one’s wedding is NOT okay, no matter how many steaks you eat and how much sunshine you let sink in. So we had a rough weekend and I felt awful yesterday, awful and angry and sad and blech. So I went home, threw things around and went on a LONG ass run/walk. Hot and sweaty I returned, and talked to John immediately. And even though things still suck, I feel SO much better after talking to him.

Change. Blech. Things are going to change now. Some wedding plans have changed, definitely our honeymoon plans have changed, I don’t see a 3 week Thailand trip in our future anymore, little things…plans we had for this whole thing have changed. And I feel sorry for me and John, I feel sorry that a really nasty, icky thing has arisen a month before we’re supposed to be “glowing” and “excited” and “not a care in the world” and then we were going to go on a trip of a lifetime, one that changed the way we thought about our future, our present, each other…
I feel really sorry for us.

But pity man, what a horrible sensation, especially when it’s directed at yourself. Blech. So I practice my Ram Daas, knowing that the suffering comes from trying to make it the same. My god that is the sagest piece of advice I’ve ever received ever.

Yes, this situation is not ideal. But now it’s just….different. We are still getting married, we WILL still take a honeymoon, yes we have to worry about money now, but who doesn’t have to worry about money? Yes, we have to cut out some luxuries, yes we have to think about the way we’ve been living and how we want to change it (I likened it last night to ending our dependence on foreign oil), we have things we need to change now.

And that is almost okay. Hee. But it’s true, I’m not going to lie and say its all happy go lucky and I’m the epitome of a blushing bride and all that matters is our wedding day, that’s a lie and a hoax. It’s precisely the wedding “day” that reminds me this is about SO much more than that one day. This is about our LIVES, husband and wife, our lives together now.

And I cannot stress enough John’s strength. He is a fucking rock and I am not blowing smoke. He is smart and optimistic and hopeful and happy and amazing.

I strive to be like him.