ISHT - Load Bearing Edition

ISHT!

Yip!

Talking to my friend 146, she’s fine, she’s not 145 but she’s not 150 either, and I’m damn fine with that.

Plus, I’ve been a little lax this week, still pretty rocking on my exercising and such (anyone who can get up Sunday morning after a night of vodka sevens, run two miles and then do strength training for an hour deserves a prize, like 144!) but, my eating hasn’t been so great. I had big pizza night this week (with pepperoni, c’mon, it’s barely meat!) and then…well, leftover pizza of course.

But things are good, the strength training is coming along nicely, my arms are starting to get pretty hardcore and John told me the other day I’m starting to look like “one of those rich, athletic girls”, that’s awesome.

What I’m really working on this week is mental stuff. I had such a rough couple of weeks and now I just feel so much better mentally and I really see that I just lose all sense of reality when I feel shitty. And I know too, that that is part of what feeling shitty is, losing the ability to back away from yourself and see the melodramatic, but man…I really lost so much joy, and now that I have it back, I want to steel myself for the next time I start to lose it.

I think one major thing is learning to trust myself. Sometimes when I start to feel really mentally crappy, I get scared that I’m going to feel like this forever, and that makes me feel worse. This idea of “I’m never going to be happy again” overrides what I’m doing and I just sink lower and lower.

I have to learn that even when I feel crappy, “this too shall pass” and that I’m not stuck in it forever, to have faith in myself that at my core, I’m a pretty hopeful, faith-ful, genuinely pretty content person and that when I feel horrible and mean, it’s not going to be forever. I think just even that little space in between the feelings (thank you Tolle) can help.

The other thing I need to remember is John. Sometimes, I don’t tell John about my feelings for a variety of reasons, I don’t want to burden him with my lame complaints, I don’t want help anyway, I think I should be able to handle my own problems, or I cut off my nose to spite my face and don’t feel like being “intimate.”

But what I need to see when I’m down is that John is there for me in just those ways and for just those reasons. He wants to know what I’m thinking or feeling, he’s a great listener, I always feel better when I talk to him, and that the reason I’m marrying him is so I don’t have to carry my own crap around by myself, that letting him know about it, he can help me carry it and its SO much lighter that way.

Putting away childish things….