ISHT - Snickers edition

Still holding at 149. I love it. I lost one pound! Hey, I’m not knocking it, one pound is one pound y’all!

Okay, so Monday is a big day, Monday is my 6 month not smoking anniversary. SIX MONTHS. Honestly, I think about smoking now more than ever! I’m not thinking about “having a cigarette” but thinking a lot about just…smoking. People say you’re never really over it, and I’m sure that’s true. I don’t want one, don’t need one, won’t have one, but MAN, maybe it’s the change in seasons (summer smoking…yum) or the anniversary but I do think about it.

SO, in honor of my anniversary I have taken the day off on Monday. I told my boss why and she was so happy to give me the day off, it was great. So I’m going to do that running day I talked about awhile back. I’m going to leave my house around 9AM, probably take the train down to Hyde Park and just kinda … run, all day. Then hopefully John will take me out for cheeseburgers! But I’m really looking forward to it, the weather looks nice, I’ve really been wanting to try this, and it’s such a perfect tribute to me, so yeah…I’ll let you know how it went on Tues.

Now I’m still working on the whole food thing. I’ve been eating SO MANY FREAKING VEGETABLES its ridiculous. Seriously, I’m going to turn into broccoli. And I’m pretty down with that, I’m learning to enjoy the “good” food. I had some Dannon “fruit on the bottom” yogurt this week, because I ran out of Fage and really found it gross. 26 grams of sugar! Compared to the Fage at 8! Ridiculous. And it tasted awful and grainy and sweet and the fruit is not fruit but … jelly. Yuck.

Anyway, I’m working on food being what food is for and not attaching emotion to it. I just had this experience at lunch where I didn’t know what to get (good reason to bring my own I know) and I had a little temper tantrum because I could not stand another fucking salad, but I got one because I know I’d feel worse getting something I “wanted” like a big ole sammy on white bread.

And I’m going to be as gentle and pc as I can about this so I get my point across, but I ended up sitting next to an overweight girl, she was pretty overweight and she had a big bag of Arbys, two sandwiches and fries and a big soda. And I just…I felt for her so much. It really made me want to cry. I know what she’s thinking, feeling, feeling guilty about, feeling horrible about (granted, I may be putting my emotions on her, I know I did, but I bet I’m right), I know why she got that Arby’s and I know how she’s going to feel later and I was just so empathetic. I wanted to give her a hug and talk out our feelings about food and addiction…there have been so many times when I’ve felt horrible about whatever and I go get a big bag of food to make myself feel better and the vicious cycle that entails.

I want so badly to be free of that cycle. I want to enjoy my food, I do, never giving up my cheeseburgers, but I want to enjoy them when I have them, not feel awful about them.

I want to be at peace with “health”. I want to be proud of my strong, healthy body. I want to eat well, and badly when I want, I want to not waste my energy and happiness and time thinking about food and worrying about food.

Tolle often asks if you say you want peace, do you really want peace? Do you really? Because you can achieve it, and it’s not that hard to do.

Now, someone get me a damn Snickers, that salad didn’t fill me up at all. Hee.