ER

So, call me Pip, because seriously, my great expectations for the weekend were crushed like tiny glass pebbles.

John came to meet me at work Friday night and we took off on a long walk to get dinner (Blackie’s) and go the movies (Ironman, hello bestest movie ever) and that was great. As soon as we got home I could see John’s demeanor change, and everything went to pot.

I will put this as delicately and vaguely as possible, but John had some pain, in a delicate spot, and this pain that had just escalated all week finally came to screeching head on Saturday morning. We went to the emergency room Saturday morning. I spent hours figuring John was riddled with some form of cancer and was relieved to see him walking out of the emergency room Saturday afternoon.

John is fine. He is just fine.

He is in some pain, he is uncomfortable, extremely uncomfortable, but he is fine.

So our crazy whackadoo weekend was run into the ground as we both realized we were going to be spending a LOT of time at home.

I discovered many things about myself this weekend, this was our first real emergency issue we’ve had to deal with together and it’s fascinating to watch how you react and how other people react to it. On Saturday I was so frustrated, trying to figure out how to help him that I was just bawling…here’s John in massive pain, sitting right across from me and I’m crying and he’s trying to calm ME. Ridiculous Hixx.

I was so frustrated with the loss of my “holiday weekend” that I honestly lost sight of what it was John needed from me. I tried to remember Ram Daas’ words, knowing the pain of the situation was that I kept wishing it was different than it was, and I did my best to find the acceptance of the situation.

I realized that my way of caretaking is to just try and make sure everything is clean, I felt so helpless in the face of his being so uncomfortable, it was the only thing I could do…clean the sheets, clean the tub, clean the kitchen…I don’t know…what else was there to do?

And John is just so amazing, he has the most solid spirit of anyone I know, he’s the one in pain, yet he’s the one keeping me optimistic and laughing and finally, after stopping the struggle to make the situation different than it was, helping me realize I was having a perfectly fine time having the weekend we were having.

I went on so many walks with Remo, beautiful walks in the beautiful weather. I got to spend some really good time with Sabrina, as she and I would go to lunch or to the best bbq EVER, or having her help me at the grocery store (I really do have problems there), and then the time I got to spend with John, we watched movies and laughed at the dog and our upstairs neighbors, we talked about how married we are now after our experiences this weekend, I got to enjoy my total relief that he might be unnerved, but that he’s fine.

I realized that sometimes I’m too hard on myself, and him. I realized that sometimes I’m not hard enough on myself and that sometimes, I just need to shut the eff up and accept the situation for what it is. I realized that I love John, in pain or not, and I just want to hang with him either way, and that I have the most fun, the most daring, and the most hilarious friends of just about anyone.

Overall, a pretty good weekend.