It occurred to me as I was walking down the street yesterday with a hypodermic needle in my arm, smoking two cigarettes and drinking a Harvey Wallbanger, that it might sound from my posts like my secret life change is that I’m preggers.
I am not preggers. That is not the secret life change.
Okay? Okay.
Man, my life is putting this Tolle to the test y’all. After a semi-fretful conversation with John we came to the conclusion that I really live in the future. I’m a planner, I make plans, and if I don’t have control over what’s going to happen tomorrow, or a year from now, I get very anxious. I even think its okay if my plan doesn’t work out so much, as long as I can at least plan the plan.
Living in the present, without worrying about how the future is going to work out is incredibly difficult for me, that is where my power lies for myself, that’s how I assert my control, and to lose that, or to not know…well, it may be fun for a few days, but now it’s starting to drive me bizzonkers.
So, deep breaths.
K, took two.
Still anxious.
Anyway, never got to Survivor last night, John said that I’m starting to fade on Survivor and I insisted that is not true…Tolle tells us not to associate ourselves with material things, but one thing I know, Survivor is MY show, I own it. Me skipping last night had nothing to do with the fact that Survivor is fading for me, but everything to do with the fact that it requires my full attention, it requires that I have more than enough time to sit and watch, that my mind is clear, that I am….present.
Survivor is my Eckhart Tolle.
2 comments:
I live in the future, too. I hate the unknown, not being sure what's going to come next. I like security, being sure that things are going to be okay. I'm having a nervous breakdown right now - I'm leaving my job, and I'll be out of work, officially, until September. But I have to find a job for next school year - and I have no idea what's going to happen. Not being able to be sure is so, so scary!
So I understand. And I won't tell you not to worry and not to plan. But don't let the planning keep you from actually taking the small steps you need to take to get where you need to go. When the future is so unsure, I find myself so overwhelmed by the unknowns that I can't act at all.
That's right, totally right.
I'm learning slowly, to not worry so much about the plan, or planning the plan, but its really hard.
It helps just to be aware that we're these kinds of people I guess.
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